Thursday, September 30, 2010

TMI Thursday: Not-So-Sweet Nothings

Wow, it has been ages since I've dipped a toe into TMI territory!  I'm not sure why I feel inclined to go there today, but I do feel the need to talk about S-E-X and share a few of the moments that still make me cringe to this day.  Why?  Because why the hell not, that's why.  You love it.

Anyway, today's topic is unsexy things that have been said to you while in the throes of passion.  As always, I'll go first, and then I'd love to hear about some of yours in the comment section!

When I think about the most unsexy thing that anyone has ever said to me, I'm instantly transported back in time to October of my freshman year of college.  My HS boyfriend, who went to a different school 9 hours away, was visiting me for the first time since we'd parted ways at the end of August.  I'd gone to great lengths to get my roommate out of the room for the night, had visited Victoria's Secret for a silky lil' number to surprise him with, and had stocked up on some of his favorite snacks.  It was late Friday night when he arrived and we quickly fell into bed and got it on.  After, as I pondered whether Woolite would take stains out of silk we lay tangled on my twin bed under a wall-sized poster of the nearly-naked Red Hot Chili Peppers, we chatted about our new lives at our respective schools.

It was during this lazy, breezy talk that he slipped up and dropped a game changer:

HE CALLED ME "LISA."

I don't know if you've noticed, but that's not my name.  "Who the fuck is Lisa?" I demanded.  He stuttered and stammered and insisted that she was just a friend.  I fled the room and cried in the bathroom.  We eventually made up and finished out the weekend, but it nagged at me.  Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.  Who is Lisa?  Why was he thinking of her while we were naked?  WTF?

We made it though the rest of the school year and then he broke up with me the second we got home for summer break after admitting that he had plans to go see Lisa that summer.  Yadda yadda yadda, now they're married with a couple of kids.  It's no biggie - we've both moved on and are even FB friends, and every now and then he pops by the OOBH.  Wouldn't surprise me if he was reading this right now.


No hard feelings.  It was a teaching moment for La Bev, and trust me when I tell you that I am SO GLAD that I didn't have a steady boyfriend for the next couple of years because I would have missed out on a lot of good times and new... experiences. *WINK*  So yes, the worst of my "Not-So-Sweet Nothings" said in bed is simply, "Lisa."

The second still makes me laugh when I think of it.  Quite simply, once upon a time I was showering with a new boyfriend.  He was washing my back and derriere and I was starting to get a little turned on when he suddenly blurted out, "Have you had this mole checked out?"

No, not that kind of mole.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

It's a good thing he was cute & I loved him!  I've killed men for less.*


So, there you have it, now it's your turn!  I'm turning the mic over to you and asking:



What's the most unsexy thing someone has ever said to you before/during/after sexy times?

*By "killed" I mean "spanked."

26 comments:

Frank Irwin said...

"Never accept a blow job from a horse, because it might think you're giving it a carrot."

Nobody said that to me, it just came..er...popped into my head this morning.

Mala said...

so did you have it checked out.... I mean by someone other than your boyfriend?

I'm thinking... be back later

Mike Honcho said...

"As soon as we're finished, get back to your chores, Son."

Bev said...

Frank - Good advice, that. I think that goes for most animals, as a matter of fact. ;)

mala - Yup! Perfectly normal. Turns out it was a cojoined twin that never formed.

Mike - Disturbing! Thanks. :)

Brooklyn ML said...

Weeeelllllll, there was this time when I was dating a real dirty dude. He was a skateboarder/carpenter and he was a real bro. He was also a real dick. (Please don't ask me why I went out with him.)
We were fooling around one day and I asked for his...assistance...to reach "my moment." (Sometimes you just need the help, you know?) So he said, "Yeah, I'll help ya," and farted really loudly. Then he got up and left.
I can't believe I dated this guy.

Bev said...

OMG.... I just died laughing, M! DIED.

That is so freaking hilarious and awful. What a dick!!! LMAO!!

Salt said...

Smoooooth move, guy.
There is nothing that was ever said to me that was so un-sexy during sexy time. Actually the most un-sexy thing was something that SHOULD have been said. As in, I would have liked to know about his penis piercing before I found out for myself.

Samsmama said...

Is that Fred Savage?

I'm trying to think about this one. I know one guy told me he found me really sexy. Before I could respond he added, "for an older lady." I had like 4 years on him. Jerkass.

And right before what I knew would be a one night stand (well, maybe more, if I wasn't otherwise busy) this guy said, "I'm going to tear you apart." Or something along those lines. Regardless, it was awful. One of those, "are you in yet?" type deals.

I may be back...

Doc said...

I actually had a GF tell me one time while we were doin it that she had a dream that I had done it with her mom... WTF???? If you EVER say that outloud THAT is not the right time to say it.

Elliott said...

Back in 'the day' when I lost my V-card, we finished, I rolled over and said "yeah, let's not do that again for a while." Apparently she took it personally. It was probably just my good Lutheran guilt kicking in.

And there's always the ego at play, the words "I've had bigger" are never polite. Ever.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

I have two that I find funny.

#1- I was going out with a Filipina girl who had an accent so in the middle of the passionate moment she would yell out "oh sheet" when she meant to say "Oh shit".

#2- How can I put this gently. I had one girl "catch" the projectile orally and then proudly utter these classic words: "you were wondering what I was going to put the good stuff. Good stuff? That sounds like a boy band title.

#3- Chatting with a girl on the phone I hadn't met yet (don't ask) and she blurted out with this gem: "I give the best blow job west of the mississippi."

P.S
she was right.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

sorry I made it 3.

Stuart said...

Back in High School, I dated a gal for about two weeks before I had to confess that I couldn't remember her name. I tried the "This is my friend Tim" method to absolutely no success. Of course, rather than call her Mulva, I simply called her "Babe". She meant a lot to me.


wv: sogrumo - no idea, but it should be followed by "Martinez"

Frank Irwin said...

In the throes of passion, er, sex, my girlfriend-at-the-time called me "Hank," which was her previous boyfriend's name. She claimed that it was because our names sounded alike, but I don't think that "Hank" sounds anything like "Steve."

Laurie said...

I once called a guy the wrong name...oh the drama! I wasn't cheating or even thinking of the other guy. I have no idea why I said it...

And, I told the guy that I lost my virginity to that I wished I had lost it to my ex bf (right after). It was true at the time but mean to say...and later (after we dated for 4 yrs, I was glad it was him)

I am not a commander type but do like to fill a guy in on my likes and dislikes. Sometimes, when he just keeps doing that thing that annoys rather than turns me on, I will say, " this is boring" or "I hope YOU like this cuz it does NOTHING for me..."

Ya, so I am the ASS in the relationship...Deal.

BTW, Elliot, I am a Lutheran too! I was president of my youth group growing up and went to Calumet (Lutheran camp)

Frank Irwin said...

I actually thought it was funny when she did it, and gave her a little grief for it.

Now she hates us both the same, so we're interchangeable.

Samsmama said...

DOLORES!!!

Jerkiest thing I've ever heard someone say to a chic was said by my husband, but not to me. We were out with another couple one night and I told the story and the chic we were with was so disgusted by it and told me I "must be so proud." Eh. Whatever.

Love your description of Twitter, btw!

tracey said...

"You smell like my Mom." I.kid.you.not.
Didn't plan for it to be a one night stand, but after that line, game over.

Elliott said...

Laurie, ah, youth group memories. The first time I played strip poker and saw a girl in her underwear was at a youth group function and in the church.

You can bet I was super vigilant a few years later when I took over as the adviser.

Laurie said...

Really? Super Vigilant? Those poor kids!...I was pretty good during youth group and at camp but did have a friend who lost her "v-card, as you call it" to a CIT at camp one night...we are all shocked!

Bev said...

Wow, you all have a great way of making me feel a WHOLE lot better about my TMI!! Best. Comments. EVER!

Long live MULVA!

Heidi Renée said...

I swear I've told this story before here or somewhere, but here it goes again. After my very first time, my eight-years-older boyfriend accused me of lying about being a virgin because I hadn't screamed or cried in pain.

(I was just bored.)

Senorita said...

A guy once told me while in bed: There are two types of women. A woman who can take a cock and a woman who can't take a cock, and the woman who can't take a cock will be alone with 10 cats.

And that's not all, I have more things he's blurted out, but I am too embarrassed to say.

Yeah, he was a meanie....

Elliott said...

Can you really be alone if you have 10 cats?

Laurie, makes me wish I'd gone to Lutheran camp. I really dug the bishop's daughter.

PorkStar said...

The most unsexy comment happened recently in Europe, where the girl demanded: "Can you please finish soon?" Of course she didn't exactly use the word finish. (Just keeping it pg 13)

An hour plus sometimes is not enough.

PorkStar said...

Nice post and comments are hilarious lol