Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Children Are Disgusting (TMI)

Yeah, yeah.  They're cute and all, but let's be totally honest: kids are disgusting.  I just need to vent about some of the more repulsive things my children have done recently.  Feel free to chime in with your own horror stories!

Yesterday as I was wiping the bum of my squirming three-year-old who had just unapologetically crapped his pants, I witnessed my oldest son do something so vile that it made the poop-filled diaper in front of me seem like small potatoes.  I glanced up just as D removed a huge chunk of snot from his nose... in one swift movement the quivering wad of gunk went into his mouth.


Oysters, anyone?
Of course I read him the riot act about using tissues, washing his hands, how eating boogers transmits germs and causes illness, and so forth... but honestly, I don't think there's anything in the world that will stop a kid from picking his nose.  When I complained about it to Jim he said he remembers picking his nose and eating it when he was a kid too.  As he put it, "So you've picked your nose... the question then is, 'What do I do with it?'"

Fucking nasty!  Don't get me wrong, I was a nose-picking little shit when I was a kid too.  I have a vivid memory of sitting in my second grade classroom digging for gold when the teacher stopped her lesson, sighed heavily, and said, "Beverly, please get a tissue."

Certainly not my proudest moment.


So yeah, I get it, but let the record show that I never ATE my boogers. No way!  I just wiped and flicked them anywhere I felt like it.

Recently my little guy decided to stop being potty-trained, which means I've been cleaning up a lot of truly nauseating messes lately.  You wouldn't even believe the smell of some of the laundry I've been doing this morning! 

Adding to that fun is the fact that we're also working on housebreaking our five-month-old puppy, so twice now M has decided to take a big whiz on the hallway carpet alongside the peeing puppy.  Yes, you read that right. Someday soon, when both the dog and the boy are finally trustworthy, we're gonna have to bite the bullet and replace the carpeting upstairs.  It's that bad.

Last story: on New Year's Eve the herd of children (there were ten of them here) decided to write on the wall upstairs in INK and then "paint" a section of wall in the boys' room with meatballs.  So that was fun to clean up.  I also found a petrified fuzzy green chunk of something between the seat cushions of the sofa that looked like a science experiment gone very, very wrong. I suspect it was once a piece of String Cheese.  I won't even go into the things I've found rotting in my car.


Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest.  Now tell me I'm not alone, please!  Misery loves company.  ;)


Melissa said...

I can't give you miserable company, since this does not exist in my house, but, um, thanks for my "deterrent to childbearing" blog read for the day. ;)

You know, I picked (and still do sometimes in the car... yeah, we all do...) when I was a little kid, but I NEVER ATE ONE. Steve always needles me and tells me "of course you did, you must have tried ONE" especially since I'm such an orally fixated person... but no, no I did not. *SHUDDER*

Samsmama said...

Hahaha...caught ya in a pick! :)

Yeah, I'm a litle bit of a picker because, and don't tell anybody, I've never mastered the art of blowing my nose, but the thought of eating a boog nauseates me to no end. Sam might dig around but then gets completely repulsed if anything comes out he's odd like that.

Sorry about the potty training. Have you tried rubbing his nose in it? Might work for the dog, too.

And oysters make me think of something, but it doesn't involve a nose.

MtnMama said...

Dearest Bev: No, not alone. My darling daughter persists in picking her nose and eating her boogers, farting loudly and then announcing it (as if we didn't notice), and neglecting to flush the toilet on a regular basis. Which is how I know that she doesn't always wipe. Charming, every last one of them!

I'm just grateful that the other stuff hasn't been too bad. Hang in there... and maybe get some Borax for the laundry.

Samsmama said...

Whoops. Sorry about the run on sentence. I blame you. Just because.

Frank Irwin said...

Yeah, I ate 'em as a kid, too, until another kid in my class told me that his mom said that eating boogers was bad for your back. I neither understood nor believed that, but it made me quit.

Bev said...

Melissa - Ha ha, Melissa picks her nose! J/k, you're right... I think we all do it. But yeah, eating it? NO. That's where I draw the line and always have.

Smama - Great idea! I'm sure my kid won't need therapy after that. "Bad boy! BAD! No bisquit for you!" HAHA!

MtnMama - Ooh, charming is right! I have a little game I play. After Danny emerges from the bathroom I count to three before saying, "Did you flush and wash your hands?" 9 times out of 10 he has to turn around and go back in to finish the job.

Oh, and here's another fun fact about my oldest son's bathroom habits: if he gets poop on his hand while wiping, guess where it ends up? If you said, "Smeared on the wall in long finger-streaks," you win. FML.

Frank - Hmm, maybe I'll try that!

Bev said...

Um, biscuit, not bisquit. Sheesh.

CaliforniaMG said...

"Deterrent to childbearing" indeed! That's some naaaasty...shit. Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Kari said...

The precious miracle of life that sprang forth from my loins, otherwise known as my 7 year old daughter Ally, decided to ask me where babies come out of their mommies' bodies yesterday at 7 o'fucking clock in the morning. Needless to say I was not prepared for that sort of thing so early. I asked her where she thought the babies came out from and she said, "Well, don't they get pooped out?"


Laura said...

Oh please girl, after four kids I'm amazed at what DOESN'T offend me even if it really should! :D Everyone picks their nose...FACT! Eating it is an entirely different matter & that pic of the oysters made me feel queasy, blech. Great post, FML has become the battle cry of most mothers in our modern world. :D

Heidi Renée said...

I have never eaten. NEVER. I had a friend in high school whose ear piercings were constantly infected. She'd fiddle with her earrings for a while, then stick her fingers in her mouth and suck the gunk out from under her fingernails. And no, she was not special-ed, just disgusting.

Bev said...

CA Mae - YUP!

Kari - bwahahahahahaaha! Well, sorta... she's not that far of the mark. Good luck with that one!

Laura- you make a great point! I should probably be more offended by some of the bodily fluids I have to handle on a daily basis. I'm seriously considering purchasing a quality HazMat suit.

Heidi R - That is the most disgusting thing EVER. EWWWWWW! Was her name Mary Catherine Gallagher?

Heidi Renée said...

They might well be related. This girl now has a flock of children of her own, so who knows what she lets them eat.

Senorita said...

This post is excellent birth control.

Mala said...

Ewwwwwwww! But you're not alone.

"neglecting to flush the toilet on a regular basis. Which is how I know that she doesn't always wipe" oh thank gawd!!! I thought my kids were the only ones who do this. Seriously, who forgets to wipe!!!! Just. wrong!


You have confirmed that my decision not to have kids has some virtue. To make things worse I have a super sensitive nose.