Monday, January 24, 2011

The Skinny on My Spray-Tan

My commute this morning
 Greetings from the frozen tundra!

It is officially Stoopid-Cold(TM) here in the Granite State.  The weather forecasters are saying that today is the coldest day we've had in over two years and I believe them!  This is the kind of cold that takes your breath away; in fact this morning I was out in it for no longer than thirty seconds before I felt like my hands were going to fall off.  Any exposed flesh is just begging for frost-bite.

"Feels like -19." Uh, yup, it sure does. The bank sign I pass on my way to work read, "-17."  It's my choice to live here so I try to take our sometimes shitty weather in stride.  But this?  Well, this just plain sucks.

Last week my friend Laurie was having a case of the winter SADs so I suggested a chick-date with some faux sun time. Since my natural winter skin tone looks a little something like this ----->

I decided to go for a Mystic Tan. 

Fuck yeah, I got a spray tan, bitches!  And since you know I have to report back to my bloggy buddies every time I subject myself to a bizarre spa/torture treatment, here's the 411.

Self-tanners and I go way back.  It's not that I don't like my albino creamy skin -- I do.  But sometimes I don't feel like looking like Wednesday Addams when everyone around me has a nice, healthy summer glow. I have tried every single product on the market, and there are some really good ones out there, but the problem I always have with them is THE SMELL.

I hate that Tan-in-a-Can odor!  They ALL have it, you can't mask it with other scents, and it lingers for days. Plus, with the DIY lotions and sprays it's hard to get your back and avoid streaks and smears.

Of course I kept thinking about the Friends episode where Ross gets a spray tan.  (YouTube won't let me embed it, but watch it if you get a chance--it's hilarious).  At the worst, I expected to look something like this:

Or this:
When I arrived they had me watch a short instructional video, then the girl took me to the tanning chamber and told me what to do.  It's a little bit like gearing up for surgery--you put your hair up and in a shower cap and you use a barrier lotion on your hands and feet and wear little booties.  She told me how to stand and hold my hands.  Then she left me alone, so I took a deep breath, stripped down to my undies and took the plunge.

It was a little bit like being inside an electric car wash: the sprayer is cold, shocking, and it starts at your feet and sprays the front of your body from bottom to top in two or three passes, all in less than a minute.  Then you turn around and it does your back.  The whole thing took under three minutes, and as I stepped out I was already almost dry.  Once you towel off (it rubs the lotion on its skin), you're done.

It was easy, and I've gotta say, it looked pretty good!  It wasn't orange at all.  I took before and after shots just for you--the lighting in there wasn't very good, but you get the idea.

Before, in all my pasty glory

Immediately after, slightly Snooki-fied.

I did have the self-tanner stink lines coming off of me that evening, but it wasn't overpowering. I went out to dinner and didn't even notice it, and the color deepened overnight. The next day I noticed some weirdness on my feet from the booties and a few small streaks on the insides of my arms, but nothing noticeable. Now that I've showered the color isn't as dark but it's still there, and the streaks are gone. They say it lasts 7 days, but I doubt it. We'll see! All in all, I liked it. I think I'll do it again before I take vacations, etc. It really did make me feel better!

Much later that evening I drove Laurie back to her car, and that's when we saw this:

Yes, it's a flaming taxi! So random.  When we arrived the back door was open and smoke was pouring out of the car, and within minutes the whole car was engulfed in flames.

It was an odd ending to the night.

That's what's new with me... just getting hosed down with (hopefully-harmless) chemicals and stuff like that.  How about you?


George Hamilton said...

Down to your undies, yeah right! We all know you totally browned your bacon strip. Don't hold back, we're all friends here.

Frank Irwin said...

Lookin' good, chica!

On the bright side, it will warm up to get to tonight's predicted low.

Bev said...

Bacon strip? Mr. Hamilton, are you trying to seduce me?

Haha, no I did wear undies. Teeny tiny ones, but undies nevertheless.

Frank - Thanks! Yeah, it's got to warm up to snow on us more this week. Sigh... it's too cold to snow, people! YUCK!

George Hamilton said...

Seduce La Bev?! I follow the lore that La Bev cannot be seduced but rather she seduces all with merely a few well paced keystrokes and a snazzy camera pic or two. No way can those powers be resisted.

Bacon strip was so graciously added to my vocabularly by one of my mostest favoritests shows "Strangers With Candy." Jerri was getting some clean up to her "delta region" in Health Class before the school dance. Please tell me you have watched to older but hilarious show, too.

Samsmama said...

Stoopid cold, eh? Well said.

I'm ridiculously pale. Like, glowing. In fact, Sam once remarked on it by handing me a hoodie and saying, "Nobody wants to see that."

Bacon strip...*snort*. Man, I love me some Jerri Blank.

MJenks said...

The further this experiment progresses, the more I am reminded how much I love basketballs.

Heidi Renée said...

Did you hold your breath? I've only done spray tanning a couple of times, but I can't fight the urge to hold my breath lest I breathe in any of that tan juice. I like what color I am on the inside.

Kari said...

Lookin' good with the fake bake, lady.

I dig a place where I get both a "Silence of the Lambs" and a "Strangers with Candy" reference.

Cary said...

Fuckin' taxis. I always tell the driver up front, no tip if we end up on fire!

I'm Jane said...

I like the spray tans that are done by actual people. Of course, it means stripping down to your nothings in front of a total stranger. It's like going to the doctor though...find something to laugh about (preferably not your ass) and don't make eye contact.

Perfect tan every time!

Bev said...

George - Haha! Oh yes, I forgot that I am the seductress here. *blowing on fingernails* I got dis!

And yes, Strangers with Candy! I can't believe I didn't get that. I admit that I haven't seen more than the first season of that underrated gem even though I love Amy Sedaris. Thanks for reminding me that I need to check out more episodes!

Samsmama - LOL! Oh, that Sam. My kids say stuff like that to me too, but I hate to break it to my oldest... he's got my skin. Say it with me, "HA HA!"

Jenks - Well, jeez... (looking down shirt) maybe I need to exfoliate more!

Heidi - I tried to hold my breath but did end up taking in some of the mist, yes. I'm sure my esophagus is the perfect shade of "Summer Wheat" right now.

Kari - Thanks! You know this is your blog away from home, my dear! :)

Cary - Right? And here I thought the most dangerous part of a cab ride was getting out smelling like the previous fare's dog.

Jane - Yeah, I'm not sure I'm ready for that much intimacy with a stranger just yet! Though if they can draw on some abs for me, I might consider it.

Mike said...

The tan looks good. I knew someone who use to do it in her house. She gave it up when she was spraying a fat, naked guy and she wondered what had happened to her life.

Hope you had marshmellows for the taxi.