Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Facebook Pet Peeves

Yes, it's a rerun! I was just thinking about this topic the other day, and I decided this is one of my favorite posts... and a great rerun. It's right up there with that Seinfeld episode when Kramer gets the Merv Griffin set furniture--that's probably my #1 favorite rerun. This one's second-ish. Anyway, enjoy!


Facebook is a funny place. I love it, I really do, but occasionally there are certain friends who fall into a behavioral rut of sorts. They're perfectly nice people (would I be friends with them if they weren't? Hell no!) but sometimes Facebook fails happen to the best of us.

I think we've all made the "vaguebook" mistake of posting a status report that subtly begs your friends to ask you to explain it. You know, like, "Beverly wishes today weren't so hard." The sole purpose of saying something like that is to get people to ask, "Why is today hard? What's wrong?" The best (read: worst) part about that kind of status is usually when people do take the bait, the vaguebooker will reply, "I can't talk about it."


Vaguebooking is annoying and self-gratifying, as are most of my F-book pet peeves. CNN had a great article that sums up a lot of these folks perfectly, and my favorite funny Facebook peeves list comes from The Oatmeal, with their illustrated "How to suck at Facebook" list. This one is my favorite:

Of course I have my own list, and it's kind of harsh. As you read it please keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am no better than you at Facebooking and I know I've been guilty of some of these things myself. I'm just calling 'em out because hey, it's my blog, and I can. Bring on the brutal honesty!

The Sad Sack

When the Sad Sack is happy you don't hear much from her, but when she's sad expect hourly updates about how much the world sucks and how hard it is to be her. Sure, we all get the blues sometimes, but frankly the "woe is me" bit gets old. First law of Facebook Club: not every thought needs to be shared.

The over-sharer

* Is my poo supposed to be this color?

* I don't want to go to the doctor so I'm gonna list out all of my symptoms here and let you guys diagnose me. Cool?

* I can pick stuff up with my twat!

* Got so drunk last night that when I barfed I peed myself!

We don't care, we don't want to know, and we don't need those visual images in our heads. STFU!

The braggart

What she says:

"Ran a marathon this morning, then brokered a million dollar deal at work. Now I'm baking a cake from scratch for my hot, wealthy husband while wearing nothing but high heels and an apron!"

What she doesn't say:

"I'm so insecure that I need to pretend to be perfect so people won't notice my debilitating lack of self-esteem."

The Zen philosophers

Every status report is about how enlightened they are and how gorgeous the universe is. Yes, we get it - you're deep.

There's no getting to know these folks, sadly, because they don't ever offer you a glimpse into their lives. It's not like we want constant updates ("I just ate a bagel!"), but spouting off cliches about how to live a better life helps no one and makes the rest of us feel like idiots for still thinking farts are funny.

All lyrics, all the time
All the cops in the donut shop say....

Sometimes these can be fun. Personally, I like to throw out half a quote and ask people to finish it, because I have some funny friends and their responses amuse me. However, I've got a few friends who only post quotes and they're always random and nonsensical; they sound like half of a Dr. Seuss poem or something. I don't get it and neither do 90% of the people on your friends list. Quit it.

The passive-aggressive type

They're talking to someone on their friends list, that much is clear, but they don't come right out and SAY they're upset with them. They say things like, "I'm so grateful for my REAL friends who stand by me!" These statements are designed to let you know that yes, you suck, and no, you're not a real friend if you don't know what she's talking about.

Get on that, will ya? What's wrong with you?

WTF are they talking about?

I have one friend who comments now and then and never makes a lick of sense. It's as if he's been having a conversation that only he can hear, and now he's responding to something you said in his mind.

Since I'm not psychic OR a code cracker, I usually just ignore these comments only to have him say to me later, "Why don't you ever respond to my comments?"


The shmoopy love birds
John Mayer: the face of Schmaltz

They just love to shout their undying love for one another from the rooftops, resulting in copious schmaltzy declarations about how perfect they are for one another, how handsome/beautiful the other one is, and how their union is better than anyone else's. Not only are these stomach-turning declarations irritating, but it leads friends to wonder if the lady doth protest too much. Sometimes it's the people who feel the need to gush who have the most to hide, perhaps even from themselves.

So sayeth Therapist Bev.

Oh, extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers. Just shoot me in the goddamn head and get it over with.

Okay, hopefully I haven't alienated too many people with my frankness.

Now it's your turn -- what's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?


Samsmama said...

What kind of trashy person would mention that they could pick stuff up with their twat? Oh, wait...

I've got a few friends that fall into no less than 4 of these categories at the same time.

Frank Irwin said...

Why don't you ever respond to my comments?

Frank Irwin said...

BTW, your Live Traffic Feed thingy thinks I'm posting from Bismarck, ND. No wonder I'm so cold!

Bev said...

Ha ha, Frank! Winni-oh, never mind.

Bismarck? I always thought those were from my friend Lisa visiting. Maybe it was you "throwing your voice" from Austin all this time!

Frank Irwin said...

I dunno. I'm confused.

Senorita said...

Good list, I recently posted my list on my blog.

One of my big peeves is when people like their own comments.

I am also guilty of sometimes spewing TMI updates.


This is my fav article on the topic of annoying FB prototypes. Glad to see it again.

Organic Meatbag said...

Oooooh, those are all good, Bev, but personally, my biggest FB pet peeve is the excessive quoter, those that have no thoughts of their own, so they have to copy and paste quotes from other, more respected members of society...especially if they are religious quotes...blah...

Pammy Sue said...

Hey there Bev! Thanks for visiting and commenting. Hope you enjoyed your visit. I'm going to look around here awhile. Loved the post today. It wasn't a rerun for me!

Mala said...

I have 1 particular friend who wins in ALL these categories.
Oh and I think you should only get to change your relationship status no more than two times a year, not every week.

PorkStar said...

I am afraid I fall into some of these categories once in a while. (No philosophy, lyrics or shmoopy crap for this single dude.) However I never ask anyone why they don't comment on my posts because I think people don't (or shouldn't) read them (for sake of their sanity) and im totally ok with that. The thing too is that mine tend to be of the most ridiculous categories with specks of raunch and airheadedness. I'm actually surprised people have read and commented.

Bev said...

Smama, shameless, isn't it? Good thing I don't know anyone like that. Anymore!

Frank, I'm always a little confused, but it's cool.

Senorita - Yes, I liked yours! Never noticed you to be overly TMI-y either, so no worries.

Israel - why thank you!

OM - Oh yeah, the religious quotes are the worst!

Pammy Sue - Welcome, and thanks for reading!

Mala - but what if I'm a giant slut? WHAT THEN?

Porkstar - Awww, repeat after me: you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like you!

PorkStar said...

LMFAO Bev, that was not a pitty party comment on my part. If on FB you see me ending my rants with boo hoo, then yes sure, i need attention and TLC. lol


Jackie said...

Love this post! I think it should be published every now again as a reminder to Facebook nicely. Must say, my #1 pet peeve... sad sack posters. How they are virtually begging for attention.. 'what's wrong?'... nope, can't do it. You can spiral down into the pit alone, thanks!

Elliott said...

I've fallen out of the FB thing. I'm guessing my last status update shows me musing about how F'ing cold it was on Halloween. Though I did comment when someone posted our entire senior-year yearbook. Because I was rocking the bad photograph back then.

Otherwise, my only posts are my (recently non-existent) blog posts, killing two birds with one stone.

Damn. I'm the sad sack, aren't I?

Tam said...

Always love reading your blog. That's why I have chosen you to receive the Versatile Blogger Award.

Peek here:


Tam ♥

Cary said...

Ask me about my explosive diarrhea.

On second though, don't.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?