Saturday, March 5, 2011

Tinsletown: The Unrated Version!


I know you're probably surprised to see me here on a Saturday, but frankly I haven't felt up to documenting my trip out west until now. I've been kind of time-zoned-out, if you know what I'm saying! Mala and I didn't adjust well this time; neither of us slept very well or very much the whole trip, and it hasn't improved much for me this week. It's highly unusual for me--I love my sleep!

We had a great time! The trip was filled with new experiences, and I do love those. I got patted-down not once but twice, for instance, once by the LAPD and once by the TSA. The airport agent was actually a pretty attractive Asian woman. Bow chicka wow wow!

Ha ha, I keed, I keed. Anyway, Mala wrote a hilarious recap on her blog, but I'll fill in the naughty bits that she was too polite to include. :D

If you read my post from the other day, you're already up to speed on our night out at a burlesque show with Maeghan and subsequent awful hangover.

The Cake Balls turned out to be outstanding.

Plus we met Tony Danza this guy. I don't know why, but I felt an instant connection with him!

The next day was a blur, but we did go have some amazing Thai food for lunch and then did a little light shopping.

Decisions, decisions....

Fist bump?

California is so cool. This store (with the awesome name) is located right next door in the strip mall to this shop:

Thai food, head/sex shop, and medical marijuana depositary: talk about a one-stop-shop!

Oh, and check out this Photoshop Disaster we spotted in a store window:

Take me to your leader

Then we walked back to our hotel via Hollywood Blvd's Walk of Fame.

The Dude abides

The next day we went on one of those cheesy Hollywood tours, and it turned out to be quite a good time! We met a nice Australian fellow and spent most of the day chatting with him. As you can see, he and Mala really hit it off:

Our tour guides took us way up close to the Hollywood sign and to an amazing scenic overlook. It was at that rest stop that I took what turned out to be the only usable "vlog" entry of the entire trip! Here it is -- make sure you wait for the surprise toward the end!

It was fun to see some local landmarks and learn more about the city of L.A. & Hollywood legends.

Rodeo Drive

Now, this is the story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

The famed "Pink Palace"

90210, yo

Robert Smith, Robert Smith!

The hotel where Janis Joplin died.

Food porn at Bar Marmont. What we thought were the best marinated mushroom caps we'd ever tasted turned out to be artichoke caps! Weird... but delicious!

On Tuesday we went to Venice Beach, which was... an experience. Basically it's a lawless stretch of boardwalk next to an amazing beach that seems to be entirely ruled by homeless people, drug dealers, and homeless drug dealers.

I didn't know that before we went; I assumed it would be similar to the family-friendly Jersey shore boardwalk I'd frequented as a child. Ummm, no. So I wore my new souvenir t-shirt, which turned out to be a BIG mistake:

Note to self: next time you go to "the 'hood," don't wear a bright red shirt with words across the chest. It's like giving all skeevy passers-by a written invitation to cat-call and stare at the boobage! It got... a little embarrassing. Luckily, I don't embarrass all that easily. ;)

That night, Mala's friend, He Who Shall Not Be Named (he's a private guy) hooked us up BIG TIME. Voldemort toils as an under-appreciated writer/director in show business and knows some famous folks. He also happens to be writing a new TV series with this guy, who happened to be performing a magic act at the ultra-exclusive Magic Castle. Most plebes like us never get into that place; you have to either be a member or be invited by a member... or in our case, be invited by a friend of a friend who was performing there. And they didn't make us enter through the kitchen or anything! :)

After rushing around in awful traffic all afternoon to get Mala outfitted (THIS Cosmo girl never travels without her cocktail dress and painful heels, naturally), we were finally ready to walk (yes, walk... our hotel was close to everything!) to the Castle. I am not gonna lie to you guys, I was a nervous wreck.

You see, I love celebrities... but I really don't have too much desire to meet them. Plus, I didn't know what to expect at all, and somewhere in the back of my mind I worried that our invitation to this shee-shee place was some kind of evil Dinner For Schmucks prank.

I'd like to say that I was put at ease the moment I walked in the door, but actually the opposite is true. As soon as I walked in the first person I saw happened to be a certain Oscar winner (hint: he won for playing a killer with a bowl cut), and immediately all of the blood drained from my face and I thought I might faint.

No, seriously.

Mala was concerned that I was having some sort of medical emergency! In a daze, I watched as someone muttered the secret word to make a bookcase swing open, revealing a dimly-lit bar filled with beautiful, beautiful people.

Ahoy, Polloi! I was shaking like a leaf. Mala lead me to the bar and I had a medicinal belt of Cabernet, and I finally got my head together! The place was like a who's who of B-listers; lots of soap stars that we recognized but whose names we didn't know. Lots of publicist-types. Lots of guys like this:
One guy who looked exactly like this:

Another guy playing poker who looked suspiciously like this:

It was seriously awesome. The magic shows were fun and entertaining, and I even got picked to be a part of one of the card tricks! I had to talk in front of all those people... and of course I dropped a suggestive joke... because I apparently can't help myself. *face palm*

The mansion itself was amazing -- it's the place Disney's Haunted Mansion was based on; the ride at Disney is designed after it. Inside it's a maze of stairways, rooms, a restaurant, and little theatres tucked away in corners. Oh, and bars... a bar outside of every theatre. I like the way these Hollywood types party!

We behaved ourselves, though, and didn't take a single pic (per their strict no cameras policy).

It. was. awesome!

And then it took 11 hours to get home. The End. ;)

Any questions?


Frank Irwin said...

Sounds like a great time! Is it my imagination, or does that lower artichoke cap have a face on it?

I've very jealous of your Magic Castle adventure.

Mala said...

Awesome recap.... I couldn't say it better myself. No really, I tried... but my family reads my blog, yo!

Thank you for leaving some stuff out though. You know what they say, what happens in Hollywood, stays in Hollywood.
Except her-pays. That shit will come back with ya.

Freakin' time zones! I was grooming horses (no, not a euphemism) at midnight and sound asleep at 10am this morning. I think the only cure is to jump back on a plane!

"Voldemort" friggin killed me! Well played.

Mala said...

Oh and by the way, I uttered the magic words into the owl (friggin owls! What does it mean?!). Actually I uttered them 3 times before the friggin secret door opened! I started panicking that the owl was denying us. But nothing like repeating magic words at a book shelf, in front of a line of pretty people,to make one feel like a loosah!

Elliott said...

Okay, I'm stuck on the 'Killer with a bowl cut'. Because I'm slow. All my brain power is going toward work right now.

So glad you're back safe and sound! What's the deal with the barricades? You'd think famous people don't like being famous or something.

Daisy said...

That sounds like it was quite an adventure. I'm glad to hear you had a good time.

Heidi Renée said...

Javier Bardem?

Glad you had a good time!

onebadmamajama said...

Holy Crap! I woulda died at the Magic Castle! Javier Bardem?! Is he just as gorgeous in person? I really wish you had gotten some pics on the d/l, though. They would have been AWESOME!

I'm glad you guys had a good time. Now,I wanna go to Hollywood, CA:)

Bev said...

Frank, I didn't see the face until you pointed it out, but you're totally right! Oh well; I'm pretty sure I ate that one. He was delish.

Mala, I think your family reads my blog, too. Ooooops! :D Great trip!

Elliott, IMO the famous people love being famous, they just don't like having lunatics dressed as Jesus Christ leaping at them and stabbing them & shit. And I thought for sure you'd get the killer/bowl cut ref!

Daisy, thanks!

HR - Bingo!

OBMJ, he's actually BETTER-LOOKING in person. I was surprised, though I admit I couldn't look directly at him because I didn't want to stare! I kept sneaking glances... like staring at the sun.

Elliott said...

Sadly, I haven't seen that yet. Nor did I consider that a bowl cut, that's more a pageboy. Bowl cut is Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.

Weirdos dressed like Jesus and stabbing you is part of the celebrity experience. You can still have the fences up without blocking everyone's view.

Laurie said...

Love it all!

Who knew Elliot was THE aficionado of popular 70s hair styles?....JK, E-Lo!

PorkStar said...

Nice recap and pictures. But that first pic of Mala hugging the piece of wood has me thinking how to put that into words:
Mala + wood
Mala = wood.

Lord have mercy.


SOunds like you had a blast.