Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's Not Easy Being A Girl

They say the truth hurts, but I'm here to tell you that beauty hurts more.

Not natural beauty, of course--but the kind of beauty that we ladies pay good money for and for which we subject our bodies to various torturous devices and garments.  Here's my list of things that women use that are seriously painful, but we do them anyway... all in an effort to look pretty.  Feel free to add any that I may have missed in the Comment section!

High Heels
I've written before about high heels that have ruined my night, and I stand by my theory that high heels were created by a misogynistic sadist whose quest to torture women just happened to produce something that also makes our legs and asses look fantastic.

"Comfortable high heels" is a total oxymoron, yet when special occasions arise we wedge our poor hooves into unnatural positions, crunch our toes into narrow leather restraints, and put undue pressure on our lower backs... all because.... well, why do we do it?  Because it's expected of us, sure.  Because legs look stumpy when you're wearing flats, definitely.  Some women want to look taller, but as a 5'7" "giant" that was never the case for me.

The older I get, the less inclined I am to suffer for fashion.  When I shoe shop I become a bit of an old lady, uttering previously-unheard of  phrases like, "That heel is too skinny for me," and "Does this come in Wide?"  I'm seriously one step away from throwing in the towel and getting a pair of these beauties:

False Eyelashes

Long, lush lashes are something that we all strive to achieve.  There's a multi-million dollar industry built on the fact that women will smear everything from beeswax to bat crap on their eyelashes in order to make them darker and longer.  On special occasions I've been known to rock some false eyelashes, and while I love how they look, I do NOT love the process of applying them.  You have to put glue on them, you see, and then get them in just the right place on your eyelid, which isn't easy.  Then you have to hold them there until they dry, and you can almost guarantee that they will start to come off at some point... which is a weird look.

But you cannot deny that for certain occasions, nothing but long black eyelashes will do:


It's a well-documented fact that I own several pairs of Spanx (and other corset-y, suck-you-in undergarments), but the truth of the matter is that Spanx suck!  They don't make you look thinner, they just smooth out your lumps and fat rolls and relocate them to other, weirder places. Sure, they can make your lumpy cottage cheese ass look less lumpy and cottage cheesy, but they will not eliminate the junk in your trunk.  Only diet and exercise will do that... and we all know how I feel about those. 

Hair Extensions

Since I'm not a Hollywood celebrity I have very limited experience with hair extensions, however recently Mala tried hers on me and I have to tell you... they may look amazing, but they hurt like a mofo!  The clip-on kind (like Mala has) are little comb/clip things that fasten onto your hair at the roots, and when all is said and done you're left with a very heavy head of hair that once belonged to a cash-strapped Indian woman and is now clipped painfully to your scalp.  Every movement of your head reminds you that they are there; and they're not just heavy... they hurt.

The permanent extensions are even more expensive and even more painful, from what I've heard, so every time you see an actress go from short to long seemingly overnight, know that they're lugging around a few pounds of paid-for locks that are probably hurting their skulls with every nod and shake of their heads.  Jennifer Aniston, who is known for her gorgeous head of hair, admits to being "addicted" to hair extensions and to losing a lot of her real mane as a result of using the extensions so much.

Clearly, I'll put up with a lot in order to look as fabulous as I can on special occasions. Between the above examples of vanity and the fact that girls are well known to be terrible bitches throughout adolescence, I can say without hyperbole that it's not easy being a girl!

What do you think?  What did I miss?


Harmony said...

I do not wear heels..unless of course I feel like spraining an ankle or two (which doesn't happen often). I'd add waxing to the list, because ripping hair out by the roots, not to mention the first layer of skin, is fabulous!

Organic Meatbag said...

It's also not easy being a guy, and I'll give you one good reason why: the penis.
Like Elaine said, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things"...

Bev said...

Harmony - YES, waxing!!! Totally agree. Ow-fothermucking-OW.

OM - I love that quote, and I agree completely. A man's body is like a jeep... it's for gettin' around.

Carolyn said...

OMG, bras and panty hose. 'Nuff said.

Bev said...

Carolyn, I agree! Panty hose are another of those Spanx-like torture devices, but I put up with them more readily because I'm pasty as heck and they cut down the glare from my legs sometimes! However, in Summer... forget it!

Bras I like, because... well, with jubblies this size, going braless hurts more. ;)

Elliott said...

Since I'm temporarily unprofessional, I've been shaving far less often. Must say it's much better for my face, and I can't even imagine waxing.

And I saw a woman coming out of the grocery store braless in a thin tee a few weeks ago. Ah, yes, Spring is upon us!

And you could Bedazzle the hell out of the Grandma shoes. Just sayin.

Kate said...

Mani/Pedis! Oh wait, that's one of the good things about being a girl...

bathing suits are stupid bitches.

Frank Irwin said...

Yeah, but when't the last time you had to pay for your own drink?

(Other than when I was visiting, of course.)

Bev said...

Elliott - Bedazzled grandma shoes - awesome! We could make a killing on eBay.

And yes, I can't imagine having to shave my face every day. That's gotta suck!

Kate - Totally agree. I freaking hate bathing suits! Why is it that not only do we have to BEAR children, which ruins our upper thighs and stomachs, but then we have to put on latex contraptions that show off those problem areas while men can cover up to their knees with swim trunks? UNFAIR.

Frank - You make an excellent point, my good man! And your visit was gift enough; you don't have to buy us stuff too. When are you coming back again? ;)

MLG said...

Getting a Brazilian wax...

Cary said...

I got pubic hair extensions once. Big mistake. Try getting those motherfuckers out.

middle child said...

Nylons. Underwire bras. Fake Nails. Boob jobs. Teeth whitening. Men.

PorkStar said...

Nice post Bevs, you might have missed the waxing part. On the front, the back, the under carriage, legs, armpits, stache, etc. We dudes can simply go aboriginal with all of the above.