Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Unsexy Sex Tapes (NSFW)

This post is going to be full of NSFW* goodness, so anyone with prudish tendencies, sorry.  Better luck next post!  For the rest of you, let's do this thing.

Yesterday, when I should have been writing but wasn't because I just didn't feel like it, I was catching up on my celebrity gossip when I came across an item on Dlisted about Tupac Shakur's rumored sex tape.  Now, I like Tupac, and yes, he was very, very good looking... but from the description of the tape, this sounds like possibly the unsexiest sex tape ever made.  By all accounts, the tape shows Tupac walking around a Vegas hotel room with his pants around his ankles (which sounds tricky, but whatever).  He's got a drink in one hand and a joint in the other.  There are other people in the room, both men and women, but that doesn't stop him from selecting a groupie from the pile and having her give him some California Love right then and there, in front of everyone, while he sings along to one of his own songs and enjoys his libations.  In fact, another dude comes over during the festivities and Tupac loops an arm over his shoulder and they sing together, all while the groupie does her thing.

I don't know about you guys, but that scenario sounds about as sexy as a root canal.  Sure, that's how I have always assumed that gangsta rappers rolled, but dude.  I really, really don't need to see that.

This newest recording got me thinking about celebrity sex tapes in general; I have seen a fair number of them, though some I've avoided because quite frankly, I am not a big fan of choking back vomit when I'm trying to watch people get their freak on.  Below are a few tapes, most of which I've witnessed with my own eyes, that are not only unsexy, but quite frankly, pretty revolting.

PS) I know I've mentioned one or two of these tapes on the OOBH before, but I'm too lazy to look them up and link to them.  Huzzah!

Kendra Wilkinson

The Good: She's young and pretty, and this was made before she got her giant fake jugs.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  The guy in the video is FUG to the LY.  Seriously, ew.  It's also all kinds of awkward, and Kendra doesn't forget the camera is there for one second.

Kim Kardashian


The Good: They're both attractive people.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  Sure, Kim looks like a rather boring lay, but at least she's up for water sports, eh fellas?

Wait, what?  Oh, sorry -- you didn't know that Ray J PEES ON Kim during this sex tape?  Yeah, that's the rumor, though you won't see that on the edited version that's available now.  Those Kardashians are klass acts, korrect?


Paris Hilton

The Good: Well, hmmm.  She was famous once?

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  Speaking of boring lays, this bitch is so not into it that she even answers her cell phone during the deed.  That's hot. (not)

Colin Farrell

The Good: Colin Farrell is hot.  Also, seems quite adept at... um, well.  Look at the pic, will you?

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  The happy couple are in a dingy-looking apartment, and they keep getting up and wandering around during the sex.  Neither one of them looks particularly into it... or maybe they both have some serious ADD and can't stay focused on the task at hand?  IDK, but it's just weird, and kind of boring.

Dustin Diamond
Note: I won't watch this one, but I've seen stills and read enough about it to know that I will NEVER subject myself to this trash.  In fact, I won't even put up a still from the video because it's just too nauseating.  Instead, we'll look at Screech's OH face and use our imaginations (sparingly, though).


The Good: Absolutely nothing.  Not even his surprisingly-large junk can salvage this abomination.

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  It's Screech, talking non-stop and getting it on with two women.  And if you think Kim's golden shower was bad, how do you feel about a little fellow named Sanchez?  Yeah, that's what I thought. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, people!

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer
Note:  Again, haven't seen this, because there's no way in H-E-double-hockey sticks that I am going to pay cash-money to see Chyna's lady-peen.


The Good:  Fuck no.  There's nothing good about this!

The WhyGodWhy Factor:  It's Chyna, who made a career out of being as manly-buff as possible and kicking people's asses.  She's still all 'roided up even now, years after quitting the WWF, and holy shit, have you seen her face?  Totally jacked!

But that's not even the worst part... the worst part is that Chyna's lady bits look a lot more like dude bits than they should, by at least 3 inches.  YES, really!  I've seen a still of that shit (again, thanks Dlisted!) and it's every bit as bizarre as you'd imagine.  Google it yourself, if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and while I was searching for a picture of Joanie I came across this great recap of her sex tape.  Looks like it was even written by a fellow Granite Stater, and while I don't know him I'm grateful to him for watching this mess so that I don't have to.

There are way more, obviously, but I will stop now.  I think we've covered a lot of ground, don't you think?

Got any to add?

xoxo
Bev

*Funny story: I can no longer use the NSFW abbreviation without giggling.  Not long ago we got an angry email from one of our readers at Oddee.  The reader was in a rage that we would label some posts "Not Safe For Women;" who did we think we were?  Sexist assholes!  After we stopped laughing, our chief editor explained to her that it means "Not Suitable/Safe for WORK," and oh by the way, all of the current writers on Oddee's staff are women, so no, we're not sexist.

Just sex-aaaay.  ;)

12 comments:

MLG said...

I have never watched a celebrity sex tape! So, thank you for doing so and reporting back to me.
BTW, when is your tape coming out? All the famous people are doing it these days. Aren't you famous? I think you are.

onebadmamajama said...

Never ever EVER..watch the Gene Simmons sex tape. It was just wretched. He left his (white) socks and tshirt on and the girl wouldn't even let him kiss her (bet his breath was rank!). I haven't been able to watch "Family Jewels" since because it was obviously just some kind of publicity stunt and it made me mad that he would act like that and embarrass his kids like that.

Bev said...

HAH! Maeghan, you make me laugh. :) Thanks, girly. And my sex tapes are definitely too hot for TV, yo!

OBMJ - Too late! I totally watched that mess. In fact, I had a pic of it all ready to add to this post before I got lazy and ran out of steam! I totally agree -- it's a disaster! Also, I heard that it was a total publicity stunt to promote some energy drink he was pimping. The girl in it is the model from the ad! SICK!

Frank Irwin said...

The only celebrity sex tape I've seen was Paris'. Boring. And thanks for making me look up pictures of Chyna. And by "thanks," I mean, "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!"

onebadmamajama said...

Oh, Frank, when will you ever learn?! Somethings cannot be unseen!

dogimo said...

Anyone who can critique a slate of sex tapes and single one out as "trash" has my vote for Best Bev Ever.

Contingent on her name being Bev.

adrianne said...

Haha, "man peen"... wow, 3 inches? I'm curious, but I still don't want to watch.

I do want to see the Colin Farrell one though. I've been curious about that one since you mentioned it the first time around.

Kate said...

If you could find one of Clive Owen or Ryan Reynolds that'd be great....thaaaaaaanks.

Bev said...

Frank - HAHAHAHAHA, don't say I didn't warn you! Pretty freaking weird, isn't it? Let that be a lesson to all of us: steroids are BAD NEWS!

OBMJ - exactly!

Dogimo - Aw, thanks. I do try to be discerning, after all. heh heh. When do I get my "Best Bev Ever 2011" sash and commemorative plaque?

Adrianne - The 3" lady peen is on my top 10 list of things I wish I'd never known existed, so please... head Frank's warning -- don't google "Joanie Laurer Chyna penis."

Kate - Now you're talking! I would be all over that like white on rice, sistah. If I ever find one, you'll be the first to know.

Samsmama said...

I think I've told you this before, but I used to work with a girl who whould bang Screech whenever he was in town doing his "comedy." Apparently, that dude is a FUH-REAK! She started to go into details but I miraculously went deaf. I had forgotten about the Gene Simmons one, so, thanks for that, OBMJ.

Samsmama said...

Oh, and I've seen bits of that Kendra one. Nice of her to throw a courtesy fuck to Corky from Life Goes On.

Bev said...

Smama, I can't believe you turned a deaf ear! He may be nasty, but I've never encountered a TMI story that I didn't want to hear every lurid detail of.... But then again, I"m a known perv.

LMAO @ Corky! RIGHT? Either Corky or Sloth from the Goonies....