Out of Bev's Head... Into Yours

Halloween 2011: All Dressed Up and Too Much Snow

2011-10-31T13:38:00.002-04:00

Oh, New England, you old trickster, you! Just when we thought we were safe from the onslaught of winter weather for another month, along comes a big bad Nor'easter to remind us of how dependent we are on such luxuries as heat and electricity.

That's right, folks. It started snowing on Saturday afternoon and didn't stop until the wee hours of Sunday morning, which was long enough to dump an astounding TWO FEET of heavy, wet snow on ~~those of us who are crazy enough to live in~~ New Hampshire. Normally I wouldn't mind an early snow, especially when it hits us on a weekend. I'm always looking for a good excuse to stay home and do nothing, after all! But this year we had plaaaaaaans, man, and this storm really cramped our style.

Saturday night was our annual Halloween bash and Mala and I had perfected our costumes and were prepared to see a lot of blank expressions from people who are A) born after 1985 and B) not a fan of the BBC. Here's what we were going to be:

Haha, gotcha!

No, Coco beat us to this... whatever it is. Good thing we saw her costume first so that we didn't wear this costume too -- boy, would THAT have been embarrassing. ;)

Nah, we were really going to dress up as Patsy and Edina from the hilarious British sitcom Absolutely Fabulous:

Boozy, chain-smoking, fashion-obsessed middle-aged party girls? Yeah, I think we can pull that off:

We used fake cigarettes, never fear. Not that it mattered because we had no sooner wriggled into our wigs and stuffed stryrofoam into Mala's beehive when the babysitter called to cancel because she couldn't get her car up the hill to Mala's house. With no sitter and the snow piling up to our knees outside, we did the only responsible thing; we put the kids to bed, raided the liquor cabinet, and took pictures of ourselves in costumes.

Shut up, we had fun.

Getting into character was a snap!

Joe and Jim were ready to party on!

Oh well, it was still a fun night. The next morning we came home to 2 feet of snow and no power in the house, but thankfully our generator (AKA: best purchase ever!) got us back up and running in a jiffy. We didn't get cable back till this morning, and since I usually try to sneak into my bedroom for some quality time with my pjs and remote control on Sunday afternoons, I really missed my weekly dose of E!.

Thankfully Samsmama informed me that it was 4 hours of the Kardass-ians so I didn't feel like I was missing anything after all. You all know I hate dem bimbos.

Speaking of the KKKs, did you all hear that Kim's very fake marriage is ending in a very real divorce after only 72 days? Righteous. Maybe Kim got tired of craning her neck just to kiss her gigantic husband. Or maybe Kris just wasn't into water sports. Who knows? What I really want to know is if this means that they will return all those ridiculously expensive wedding gifts that they registered for? Yeah, I don't think so either.

Bimbos.

ANYWAY.

Rants and Raves, Bev-Style

2011-10-21T14:56:00.001-04:00

Man, am I ever grumpy today. I would say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but since I barely slept that's not entirely accurate. I had one of those inexplicably shitty night's sleeps that happen once in a while; I had weird dreams featuring random, annoying people, and I kept getting woken up all night long by stuff like the cat clawing at the carpet and my husband tripping over a laundry basket on his way back from the bathroom.

Highly annoying. So now, even though I have a ton of work I should be doing, I'm staring at the wall and wondering if I can get away with taking a nap under my desk, Costanza-style. In an effort to stay awake, I've decided to squeeze in a little OOBH time--I've got a few things to get off my chest, and this cantankerous mood I'm in will surely add fuel to that fire! Here goes.

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay

This is your FIFTH mugshot in four years, and you're only twenty-five. I can't help but notice that this mugshot looks a little different from the others, and not just because of your ridiculous Barbie hair (which is the brassiest shade of blonde ever bottled, IMO) or the fact that you (thankfully) have stopped fake tanning yourself into Snooki territory. It's not even because you let your teeth rot thanks to whatever it is that you're smoking these days. No, this mugshot is different because of your eyes, which finally look as they should look: scared, and a little bit desperate. I do believe you have finally lost some of your swagger, and that is both a good and a bad thing.

Did she do her make-up in the dark?

It's a good thing because you have been entirely too blase about what is happening with your life. You're delusional and think people will still hire you and work with you even though you're a perpetual screw-up and you spend more time and effort making excuses for your bad behavior than it would take to just DO THE RIGHT THING. You know what the right thing is: get clean. Do whatever the court tells you to do to stay out of jail, permanently. Get a job, show up on time, and be respectful to everyone on set, from the caterer to the executive producer, and I can't believe I even have to tell you this, but stop stealing shit and generally acting like a spoiled, entitled little twat!

Losing some swagger is bad, however, because now I'm a little bit afraid for you. I honestly think you're heading for entry into the Forever 27 Club, and that's not a glamorous or elite club, that's just sad.

At least we will always have Mean Girls.

Slutty Nurses and Kitties and Witches, oh my!

I have seen no fewer than three posts in the last week about how pathetic it is for women to use Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty. Most of these posts come from middle-aged moms just like myself who think it's somehow anti-feminist or just plain stupid to pull on some fishnets and a push-up bra and do it up a bit on Halloween. I'd like to offer them all a brimming goblet of Shut The Hell Up.

Sure, not all costumes have to be sexy and not all costumes SHOULD be sexy. If you want to be a big greasy slice of pizza or an Angry Bird, go for it! I'm certainly not going to judge you, in fact I'll probably laugh and tell you I like your costume, because I would like it. But Halloween is a fun holiday, a holiday in which adults get to act like children and play dress-up, and that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to dress up in children's costumes -- we're adults! We have sex! We like boobs! It's a fact.

I grew up doing theater so I'm all for pretending to be another character, and since most of us dress like frumpy middle-class suburbanites every single day of every single year, if someone wants to do something a little crazy, a little outside of their usual comfort zone, what's the harm? It's the one night out of every year that you can get away with dressing like a French Maid if you feel like it, and I personally hope that you DO.

Oui, oui, work it, sistah! Don't let the haters get you down.

Xtina's "Delusions"

So I'm not sure if you guys have noticed, but Christina Aguilera has put on some weight. She's now got bitchy Kelly Osborne, who let's not forget would be an absolute nobody if she didn't have a famous father, publicly calling her fat every chance she gets on national television. She's got bloggers saying she's a fall-down drunk, making fun of her ass, and saying that she has some sort of psychological disorder that makes her not realize how awful she looks in outfits like the one pictured above.

I feel for her. I've put on some weight myself, and I'm also kind of the delusional type in many ways. It's not that I don't acknowledge the extra poundage, it's that I always still think I look okay. Self-esteem? I haz it!

Right up until I see a picture of myself, then I'm like, "HOLY FUCK, WHO STOLE MY CHEEKBONES?!" Does this mean that I am psychologically deluding myself into thinking I am thin? Hell, no. I know I'm not thin, but I don't really care all that much. I still dress nicely and put on some make-up and get my hair done, and I still feel like myself. I'm also blessed with friends and loved ones who still love me no matter what I look like. In fact, my horndog husband is always shocking the hell out of me by thinking I look great when I feel like I need to be rolled down to the Juicing Room to be squeezed.

I've got it good, which makes me feel even worse for ol' Xtina. I can't imagine being in the public eye and having to hear such hateful things said about you. I sincerely hope Christina can ignore them all... and get a much better stylist who knows how to dress someone who is only 5'2" and no longer svelt.

Finally, the last thing I want to say is this:

Can someone please make this stop??!

Okay, folks. That's all I've got. I don't know about you, but I sure feel better after getting all of this off my chest! Have a groovy weekend.

xoxo

Cell Pic Round-Up!

2011-10-17T16:01:00.000-04:00

Hola, darling BOOBHs! How's it going? I'm sorry I've been a bit MIA 'round these parts. I've been a busy beaver, as usual--not that I'm complaining. Time is money, and I'm usually short on both. :)

Just keep swimming!

Work is going well! I've got some really exciting projects in the works, and recently I had one of those awesome moments when you know that you're in the exact right place at the exact right time. Those feelings are so rare, aren't they? But they're so encouraging; it's like the Universe looks you right in the eye for a split second and says, "It will all be worth it. Keep your eye on the prize." Or something like that, I don't know, but it sure felt good.

Speaking of feeling good, today I totally don't--I've got a cold. BOO. I just want to curl up in my jammies at home, but instead I'm propped up in my office chair wearing big-people clothes, including pants with a button and zipper. Ugh--you know how I feel about pants.

I hate them.

Anywho, I haven't done a recap in ages, and today's as good as any, so here goes! Here's what I've been up to, according to me and my cell phone photo album:

I saw this in Walmart not long ago and had to physically restrain my husband from buying it for pure comedic value alone. It's a head to toe fleece outfit with a hood and a... wait for it... a trap door. A trap door, people! You don't even have to take this thing off to do your dirty, stinking business! Wow. I mean, there's lazy, then there's FOREVER LAZY. I think we all know where I fall on that spectrum. *ahem*

Of course, I'm not one to judge because just yesterday I fell victim to a little "As Seen On TV" product myself. Yes, folks, I bought myself a 3-pack of something called an AHH-Bra, and I can't freaking wait till they arrive (in 2-3 weeks, which? WTF? Do they ship by Pony Express?). While I'm doubtful that anything designed for comfort will ever contain *aaaaaaalll this*, they sold me with their relaxed-looking models wearing WIRE-FREE Ahh-Bras. They just looked so darn comfortable and satisfied with their purchases that I had to try it. $70 later, I'm sure I'll wind up with some more pieces of useless fabric in the drawer next to my unused Spanx and Lipo In A Box, but this is one of those "I MUST KNOW" moments. I'll keep you posted.

Let's see... in other news, we took a little trip to Mohegan Sun recently, which was fun.

We started with martinis in a very cool, very posh martini bar. My husband was in rare form -- in fact, he almost fell backwards 3 stories while taking this picture of me and my friends Jill and Mala. That's dedication (and alcohol)!

We ate the most magnificent meal at Todd English's Tuscany. Most of us went with the Chef's Pairing, which was a four course meal with wine pairings. Everything was delicious! We got a little silly towards the end, naturally. Check this out-- just to prove how little warning she needs to summon her inner sex kitten, I literally said to Mala, "Give me sexy" as she was eating her dessert, and this is what she gave me:

Yet, when she said it to me, this is what SHE got:

Why is the cork on the fork?

The next day we decided to do something edumacational, so we went to Mystic Seaport, CT. It was a beautiful day and we all had fun climbing aboard different kinds of ships and talking like pirates. Ric even got himself a funky new hat:

And Jim had his own private Titanic moment:

His fart will go on

It was a fun weekend! Okay, I have to get a move on. Believe it or not, I started this post about 6 hours ago and then kept getting sidetracked, so if it reads like it was written in installments, I have no idea what you're talking about. heh.

Oh, one last celly pic. This one's for ~~defunct blogger~~ Samsmama!

Look what I found! They do sell it here in the Northeast! I can't wait to try it. :)

Later, taters!
Bev

Unsexy Sex Tapes (NSFW)

2011-10-05T11:58:00.001-04:00

This post is going to be full of NSFW* goodness, so anyone with prudish tendencies, sorry. Better luck next post! For the rest of you, let's do this thing.

Yesterday, when I should have been writing but wasn't because I just didn't feel like it, I was catching up on my celebrity gossip when I came across an item on Dlisted about Tupac Shakur's rumored sex tape. Now, I like Tupac, and yes, he was very, very good looking... but from the description of the tape, this sounds like possibly the unsexiest sex tape ever made. By all accounts, the tape shows Tupac walking around a Vegas hotel room with his pants around his ankles (which sounds tricky, but whatever). He's got a drink in one hand and a joint in the other. There are other people in the room, both men and women, but that doesn't stop him from selecting a groupie from the pile and having her give him some California Love right then and there, in front of everyone, while he sings along to one of his own songs and enjoys his libations. In fact, another dude comes over during the festivities and Tupac loops an arm over his shoulder and they sing together, all while the groupie does her thing.

I don't know about you guys, but that scenario sounds about as sexy as a root canal. Sure, that's how I have always assumed that gangsta rappers rolled, but dude. I really, really don't need to see that.

This newest recording got me thinking about celebrity sex tapes in general; I have seen a fair number of them, though some I've avoided because quite frankly, I am not a big fan of choking back vomit when I'm trying to watch people get their freak on. Below are a few tapes, most of which I've witnessed with my own eyes, that are not only unsexy, but quite frankly, pretty revolting.

PS) I know I've mentioned one or two of these tapes on the OOBH before, but I'm too lazy to look them up and link to them. Huzzah!

Kendra Wilkinson

The Good: She's young and pretty, and this was made before she got her giant fake jugs.

The WhyGodWhy Factor: The guy in the video is FUG to the LY. Seriously, ew. It's also all kinds of awkward, and Kendra doesn't forget the camera is there for one second.

Kim Kardashian

The Good: They're both attractive people.

The WhyGodWhy Factor: Sure, Kim looks like a rather boring lay, but at least she's up for water sports, eh fellas?

Wait, what? Oh, sorry -- you didn't know that Ray J PEES ON Kim during this sex tape? Yeah, that's the rumor, though you won't see that on the edited version that's available now. Those Kardashians are klass acts, korrect?

Paris Hilton

The Good: Well, hmmm. She was famous once?

The WhyGodWhy Factor: Speaking of boring lays, this bitch is so not into it that she even answers her cell phone during the deed. That's hot. (not)

Colin Farrell

The Good: Colin Farrell is hot. Also, seems quite adept at... um, well. Look at the pic, will you?

The WhyGodWhy Factor: The happy couple are in a dingy-looking apartment, and they keep getting up and wandering around during the sex. Neither one of them looks particularly into it... or maybe they both have some serious ADD and can't stay focused on the task at hand? IDK, but it's just weird, and kind of boring.

Dustin Diamond

Note: I won't watch this one, but I've seen stills and read enough about it to know that I will NEVER subject myself to this trash. In fact, I won't even put up a still from the video because it's just too nauseating. Instead, we'll look at Screech's OH face and use our imaginations (sparingly, though).

The Good: Absolutely nothing. Not even his surprisingly-large junk can salvage this abomination.

The WhyGodWhy Factor: It's Screech, talking non-stop and getting it on with two women. And if you think Kim's golden shower was bad, how do you feel about a little fellow named Sanchez? Yeah, that's what I thought. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, people!

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer

Note: Again, haven't seen this, because there's no way in H-E-double-hockey sticks that I am going to pay cash-money to see Chyna's lady-peen.

The Good: Fuck no. There's nothing good about this!

The WhyGodWhy Factor: It's Chyna, who made a career out of being as manly-buff as possible and kicking people's asses. She's still all 'roided up even now, years after quitting the WWF, and holy shit, have you seen her face? Totally jacked!

But that's not even the worst part... the worst part is that Chyna's lady bits look a lot more like dude bits than they should, by at least 3 inches. YES, really! I've seen a still of that shit (again, thanks Dlisted!) and it's every bit as bizarre as you'd imagine. Google it yourself, if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and while I was searching for a picture of Joanie I came across this great recap of her sex tape. Looks like it was even written by a fellow Granite Stater, and while I don't know him I'm grateful to him for watching this mess so that I don't have to.

There are way more, obviously, but I will stop now. I think we've covered a lot of ground, don't you think?

Got any to add?

xoxo
Bev

*Funny story: I can no longer use the NSFW abbreviation without giggling. Not long ago we got an angry email from one of our readers at Oddee. The reader was in a rage that we would label some posts "Not Safe For Women;" who did we think we were? Sexist assholes! After we stopped laughing, our chief editor explained to her that it means "Not Suitable/Safe for WORK," and oh by the way, all of the current writers on Oddee's staff are women, so no, we're not sexist.

Just sex-aaaay. ;)

10 Good Reasons To Be A Swedophile

2011-09-29T11:38:00.000-04:00

Yes, folks, it's official, I love Sweden. For the first 30-something years of my life, I can't say that I ever spent much time thinking about Sweden, or Swedes in general. But these past couple of years I've noticed that a lot of the stuff I like happens to hail from that beautiful Nordic kingdom in northern Europe. How did this happen? How did I become a Swedophile? Well, the short answer is this:

#1. Alexander Skarsgard

Oh, Alexander Skarsgard... you may not look much like the Eric Northman that I envisioned while reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries, but you have become the main reason that I eagerly look forward to True Blood every Sunday evening! So tall. So blond. So... scary. Sexy-scary. Mama like.

There were other Swedish things though, subtle things, that crept into my subconscious and implanted themselves there before I could help myself. Maybe it's the fact that they're just so foreign; my ancestors hailed from various parts of Europe, but there's nary a Viking in my bloodline. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't really care. So here's my list of Swedish stuff that I totally dig.

#2. The Meatballs

Because they're just farking delicious, that's why.

#3. IKEA

Cheap stuff that looks decent? I'm in.

#4. Abba

Yeah, I said it.

#5. Stieg Larsson

Dude could write.

#6. Swedish Massage

Hurts so good.

#7. Robyn

The most underrated pop/electronica album (and artist) in a decade.

#8. Rose Nylund

Thank you for being a friend!

#9. The Swedish Bikini Team

Why the fuck not?

#10. The Swedish Chef

Bor-de-bor-de-borg, BORK BORK BORK!

Oh, and bonus list item... let's not forget the love of our Chatroulette paramour, SVEN!

Oh, Sven... how we miss you!

So there you have it. Sweden? I heart you. Don't ever change.

xo
Bev

Twitter: I finally get it!

2011-09-26T11:42:00.001-04:00

Saturday afternoon: I'm sitting in the front seat of my Odysexxy while my husband runs into the ~~liquor~~ store for a few much-needed items. The kids, who haven't stopped talking for, oh, about the past 6 months, are yammering away in the backseat, playing with the new toys they just got with their birthday money. I pull out my phone and start to play.

Jim gets in the car. "Who ya' talking to?" He asks.

"Alec Baldwin," I reply. "Just telling him to break a leg on SNL tonight."

This, folks, is how I've gone from thinking Twitter is stupid, pointless, narcissistic bullcrap, to thinking it's actually pretty cool. Why? Because of the beautiful celebrities, of course!

I've had a Twitter account for a few years now, but only because I knew that as a blogger, I'm supposed to have one. All I used it for was to tweet links to my blog posts, and I've never gotten around to acquiring a bunch of followers or telling everyone what I had for lunch that day. Isn't that what Facebook is for? Even though I tweet every day as part of my job for Oddee, Twitter was still always an after-thought. Facebook is where I spend the majority of my time and effort.

Then last week I noticed that Jason Alexander had retweeted one of my articles on Oddee to his followers. Sure enough, when I looked at our follower list, I found Mr. Costanza himself was not only following Oddee, but had retweeted one of my articles and one of the quirky little videos I had put up last week, too.

It's no secret that I'm a huuuuuuge Seinfeld fan, so finding out that one of the former cast members regularly reads stuff that I write seriously made my day! Just like that... I was hooked.

I love the fact that Weird Al Yankovick posts pics of his gigs in Vegas. I love that I know that Coco T spent Friday evening drinking wine and cleaning out her shoe closet. I love that Rivers Cuomo (Weezer frontman) told us yesterday that we were all more beautiful than we realize. And I love that when Alec Baldwin tells us he's loading up on the NBC coffee, getting ready to host SNL, that I can tell him to break a leg.

That's right. Me and the celebs? We're tight -- we're likeTHIS.

Okay, not really. In fact, it's a well-documented fact that when faced with actual celebrities, I turn into a pale, trembling, insecure mute. Remember that time I actually DID see Weird Al, live and in the flesh, rocking his mandles while getting coffee on Sunset Boulevard? What did I do? I choked on my cafe latte, grabbed Mala's arm and called her by my husband's name. Yeah, I'm cool like that. So Twitter, where I can eavesdrop on the parts of their lives that they choose to share with their legions of adoring fans and respond if and when I feel up to it... yeah, I can get on board with that.

Where else can you witness stars saying things that make their publicists blanch, listen in on a conversation between two Hollywood legends like Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, and have a front-row seat when celebs like La Lohan and teen-bride Courtney Stodden make total, complete asses of themselves? Celebs also love to post pics of themselves, and I like looking at pics of celebs. Everybody wins!

What? That's not so special, Sophia. I have a picture of myself with Johnny Depp too.

So there.

Anywho, I currently follow 91 people, and I'd say a good 80% of them are famous people who would probably make me so nervous that I'd wet my pants if we were ever in the same room together, and I'm okay with that.

Who are your favorites? Anyone I should be following?

Of course, if you want to hear about how sticky my remote is and other fascinating Bev-isms, you can always follow me: @bevtastic7. But if not, that's okay too, because I'm not really there to be heard, I'm there to listen in. :)

Hey Facebook, you look like crap today.

2011-09-21T10:57:00.000-04:00

Boy, so Facebook really screwed the pooch this time, eh? Today my news feed was abuzz with friends who were complaining about ANOTHER new layout change implemented by Facebook and demanded by absolutely no one. I don't usually complain about layout changes; I don't like to brag (ok, maybe a little), but I'm pretty tech-savvy and don't normally have a problem figuring out computer stuff like this. But this, well... this is a huge steaming pile of road apples, IMHO.

We fear change.

The new layout is distracting, irritating, cluttered, and invasive, and the worst part is that we have no choice but to use it. If I could, I'd turn off the scrolling, repetitive status updates on the right-hand side of the page, but can I do that? NOPE. Instead, as I'm reading my news feed (middle column), I'm seeing the same damn status reports on the right side, plus I'm seeing every conversation every one of my friends is having, most of which are none of my goddamn business, nor do I care that So-and-So just said, "Lulz!" on SomeGuyIDon'tKnow's status. I also can't seem to hide that helpful little box that's suggesting I subscribe to Fucktard McNobody's status updates, either, and the actually helpful stuff like people's birthdays...? Hidden somewhere amidst the verbal debris, never to be seen or heard from again. In other words, don't expect any birthday greetings from me for a while, friends. Sorry.

Blogger recently changed their layout, and quite frankly, The Bev does not approve of that either (see Garth, above), but since they're not run by Mark Zuckerberg (yet), I was given the choice of whether to use it or not. Imagine that! What a fucking concept--giving the people a choice?

"This does not compute." ~ The ZuckBot 3000

I wonder what Godfather Baby has to say about this?

I've been trying to visit the F-book less lately anyway, which is proving pretty much impossible because I have an iPhone, and Facebook and iPhone go together like popcorn and dental floss. It's just too easy, too accessible, too always-on. I'm doing better during the day though; I'm not keeping my email and F-Book windows open all day long like I used to, but I still take frequent breaks to check out the 5-6 friends' status updates that Facebook has deemed important enough to show me. It's a hard habit to break!

Well, as always, I'll try to look on the bright side -- maybe this new layout will be just what I need to visit that addictive little microcosm of gossipy goodness even less. It still looks pretty normal on my phone, so maybe I'll just use that more instead of the full site. In which case, expect more typos from me, friends, because that whole Damn You, Autocorrect thing? It's totally real, and I've fat-fingered some really awkward responses to people as a result. True story.

Okay, I've ranted enough about something I can't control. I'm going to go do some writing on this little story I've been working on for months now, off and on. The other night I had a little epiphany about where my story is going and how it should have started, so I want to get it out while it's still fresh ~~and before I lose my momentum and start goofing around on FB again~~. Have a groovy day, BOOBHs!

The Sunny Side

2011-09-16T10:31:00.001-04:00

Hey guys! What's shakin'? Happy mother-lovin' FRIDAY!

I am so, so, so glad that it's Friday. What a week this has been! First of all, I have spent the past two weeks dealing with the lingering fear that I might have a freaking brain tumor. Yes, really! I know how fucked up this sounds, but basically I've had thyroid cancer (and technically still do, but it's so tiny the doctors can't find it & it no longer responds to radiation) since 1999, so every year around this time I have to go get my blood work and diagnostic imaging done. At my appointment earlier this month, my doctor paused while jotting notes when I mentioned that I had spent much of August with crazy, debilitating, vision-fuckery-inducing Migraines.

"I'm sure it's something else," he said, "you've said you're under a lot of stress right now, and it could be hormonal. There are lots of causes for migraines. But since recurrent metastatic thyroid cancer can travel to the brain, we should probably take a look just to rule that out."

So I went for a CT scan and chest x-ray -- relatively minor tests compared to the shitload (yes, that's a technical term) of tests that I had last year when I had that recurrence removed from my neck and lost my voice for almost five miserable months.

Then my doctor went on vacation and I didn't hear back from him or his office for TWO WEEKS. This looks like a job for:

I've held it together pretty well, but my poor friends... oy. They deserve a medal for getting me through these past few ~~months~~ ~~years~~ weeks! Love you guys... you know who you are. <3

But everything is going to be all right. Last night my doctor called me to tell me:

IT'S NOT A TOOMAH!

What a relief! Even though it was an off-chance, just having it as a remote possibility was nerve-wracking. In my mind I was already picking wig colors in case I had to have brain surgery. Thank you, Anxiety Girl!

Anyhooters, I got a (relatively) clean bill of health, in fact, my TG (which in my case is how much cancer I have in my blood) is the lowest it has ever been since this whole mess started 12 years ago. Plus, I don't have to go back to the doctor for another year, and my name is Bev and it has been 10 days since my last migraine!

What a relief. Stuff like this tends to put everything else into perspective. Not that the other stuff doesn't add to my stress level, but when you've got your health and the love of your friends and family, it sure is easier to deal with life's many, many, MANY worries. I am grateful.

But enough about me and my stress. It's Friday, and I am so happy to finally have a moment to myself so that I can blog and catch up on my work in peace. Going forward, I'm going to make a concerted effort to handle my stress better. I'm signing up for yoga, I joined a massage club for a monthly Swedish rub-down (no full-release, darn it), and I am going to do a better job of putting my work and online activities on hold in the evenings. I simply must. The internet is fun, but when it starts interfering with my health (mental and physical) it's time to cut back.

That's what's new with me! Tomorrow I have a day of doing absolutely nothing ahead of me, and I can't wait. I think I'll hit B&N and get a fun new book to read. Any recommendations? Nothing too deep and nothing depressing, please. :)

Hope you all have a wonderful, relaxing weekend!
xo

Friday Fun... now with 100% more Gifs!

2011-09-09T11:19:00.003-04:00

Hey there, how's it going? Happy Friday!

It has been a rather long, shiteous 4-day week, but I have at least five good reasons to be happy today, and just for the hell of it, I feel like listing them with gifs.

1. It's Friday, yo!

2. My boss is out of the office & I'm all caught up with my "real" work, so I can finally catch up on my blogging.

3. Fun plans for le weekend at Seafood Fest with Malomatic.

4. I'm having my favorite lunch, the Thai Chopped Chicken Salad from Panera Bread.

5. The past has passed, the present is pleasant, and the future is fantastic!

So yeah, you could say I'm in a very good place right now, and I like it here. I think I'll stay a while.

Recently, I downloaded a few silly little apps on my phone, and one of them has provided endless giggles, mostly because it sucks so much. It's the MyCeleb app, and basically you take a picture and it matches you up with celebrities who supposedly look like you. Except, it's totally inept, and sometimes it's extremely insulting! Yet... still fun. Here are some of the most hilarious matches I've collected so far:

FML.

My husband ~~has~~ is Woody.

Sorry, Laurie... I don't see it!

And now for my favorites! Are ya ready?

Mala = The Fly

Bev with zero frills or make up = Colin. Fucking. Powell.

The app is kind of hilarious, as long as you put your ego aside and agree that it's not exactly accurate! You can try it yourself with the online version here.

Speaking of looking like celebrities, have you guys seen this:

This is Lindsay Lohan's sister, Ali Lohan, who is 17 going on 70. Now that Mama Lohan got her a modeling contract, she has fallen below 100 lbs and has had some work done. Wow. I just... I can't.

Those Lohans are not aging well, huh? I'm not saying drugs, alcohol and eating disorders are solely to blame... oh no. I also blame the sun.... Here's how I picture Lindsay in 10 years:

Artist's rendering

AAAAAAAND, I'm done.

Off to write an Oddee post about psychic predictions. Have a fantabulous day, weekend, and whatnot! (Especially the whatnot... you know how I love a good whatnot!)

XOXO
Bev

New Blog Post with extra KETCHUP!

2011-08-29T16:49:00.001-04:00

Hey guys! Remember me? I'm alive!


It's... ALIVE!

Time for a booster!

Yup, I'm still alive and kickin', and... if I do say so myself (and I DO), I'm better than ever! Taking the summer off from Blog Land was just what the doctor ordered. I feel recharged, and all summer I've been making little notes on my iPhone as I think of post ideas, so I'll have a few good 'uns coming as soon as I find the time to write them.

Blogging was a hard habit to break at first, but once I got used to living life a little more under the radar, the more I liked it.

In other words, at first I was all:

And then I was like:

Ooooh, so this is what "free time" feels like!

But now I'm back, bitchessssssss! So let's ketchup.

First of all, we survived Irene, who turned out to be a bit of a dud here in NH. All talk, no action -- typical, amiright fellas?

In other news, I've made lots of great progress on the freelance writing front, though I have also decided to hold on to my office job for a while longer -- by choice! What can I say? It pays the bills, and us Cancer the Crabs like the security of knowing where our next burrito is coming from. I'll just be one of those people who punch the clock Monday through Friday but plug away at their creative pursuits in the hopes of someday being able to ~~quit that bitch~~ respectfully resign... someday. Besides, with the economy being like it is (read: piss-poor and not getting any better any time soon), I'm just happy for a steady paycheck and many years between me and retirement. So, there's that. I've made peace with Workaday Bev again, and it's all good in the hood.

Also... I've got another book to write! At the end of last year I started working for Oddee... and I started talking to the owner right off the bat about taking one of their many popular blog posts and turning it into a book. We swung and missed the first time around, and the boss kind of lost interest... but La Bev persevered. Oh yes. You see, even though I'm sorta like, "Meh, I'll just keep this sucky job because I'm awfully fond of eating" in some ways, in other ways, I can be quite determined once I set my mind on something.

I decided I wanted to write another book, so I pushed on. I got a literary agent and pitched a few more ideas... and whaddya know? About 7 months after I started trying, I hit a home run! My agent had a little bidding war between three interested publishers, and I pretty much spent a week in a state of euphoria that can only be described as a pig orgasm, only lasting 7 days instead of 30 minutes:

Via The Oatmeal

Yeah, that was totally me! It was intense... and I can't wait to do it again with another topic, even though I technically haven't even started working on this book yet. Is that bad?

U mad?

Anyhooters, the new book is about Photobombs, and I'll be collecting them from every corner of the WWW and beyond, so if you have any great pics, please let me know! I'd love to see some beautiful BOOBH faces in my next book.

Other than that, I've eliminated some really negative influences from my daily life and started taking my vitamins and eating my Wheaties, so I'm feeling really good. Kind of like the Old Bev, which is to say, the Young Bev! I've been reading up on and researching some of my favorite subjects in hopes of continuing work on the novel I started last winter, and that work makes me feel really fulfilled. I've also been spending lots of time with my family, which has been awesome! I have oodles of pics to share, but I'll save those for another post because I've been going on and on and yet I still feel like I have SO MUCH to say to you guys!

Plus I have to put on some pants and take my kid to football practice.

I'll write more soon, I promise! I hope you've all been doing well!
XOXO

Smell Ya' Later

2011-05-31T22:45:00.000-04:00

So, hey. I'm taking a little break.

I've got a lot going on right now, but don't worry -- all of it's good! The only bad thing is that I feel guilty about not blogging. I know, that sounds egomaniacal because I'm assuming that anyone gives a shit, except that I know a few of you actually do enjoy reading what I write here*.

To you, I say, I appreciate you! It is you who I am telling that I'm going to be gone for a few months, so please don't file a missing persons report. In fact, don't worry at all, because Ah'll be back, in some form... like Obi Wan Kanobi or Gandalf or some such shizz.

Allow me to break this mofo down.

The other night as I was looking for a better job, as I do pretty much 24/7, I came across this weird but oddly "helpful" video. It's got a kind of Japanese, animatronic feel, but also with completely incongruous old-timey music. Whatev -- it's very strange. Production value aside, it struck a chord with me.

Freelance Writing : Chapter 25 : Think About Your Online Reputation from Brian Scott on Vimeo.

And they're so perky!

I'm sure you can all see what I'm getting at here. I'm job hunting, yo. So I can't be talking about accidentally getting Brazilian bikini waxes or barfing into my handbag. And so forth.

Yadda yadda yadda, I might start a new blog; I haven't decided. I can't see myself not blogging at all, because I love to write and I've made such good friends through it. I just think the OOBH's day might have come and gone. I've noticed many of my old blog friends have slowed down with their postings lately too, and I totally get it. We're all moving on. We're tired of the same old jokes. Been there/done that. There are only so many times that one can shout "That's what she said" or "Not that there's anything wrong with that," right?

Maybe this is the PMS talking, I don't know. All I know is that I'm putting on my big girl panties and getting myself a new goddamn job this year, no matter what. I'm fed up with My Crap Job, my dears. F-e-d to the U-P. So I'm taking a Brillo pad to my online reputation, adding a little chlorine to my online writing samples, and I'm taking at least the summer off.

It's not goodbye, it's Smell Ya Later.

I'll be back after I get whatever new job and/or writing venture awaits me, and if you find yourself missing La Bev, feel free to find me on any number of the gazillion places where I still have an online persona, like LinkedIn, Oddee or Facebook. I'll say yes if you want to be friends, I promise!

PS) The book (which is oddly on sale on Amazon even though it hasn't even been released yet) that I co-wrote is coming out this summer--be sure to scan the credits for your shout-out, my lovely BOOBHs!

* And some of you are just here because you happened to Google "ass bruise" or "Elvira in Spanx" and that's okay too.

50 State Stereotypes in 2 Minutes

2011-05-30T10:06:00.004-04:00

Happy Memorial Day! I thought this cute little video would be a nice tribute to my U.S. friends. How'd he do for your state?

Stay gold, Ponyboy!

2011-05-23T11:19:00.003-04:00

They say that there is nothing so constant as change, and I believe it.

Then again, some things never change:

That had better just be fruit juice, young lady!

I've changed a lot over the years, but deep down inside, I'm still this person (on the left):

And I always will be. Who else could I be?

It's natural to grow and change as you get older, and we wouldn't be very interesting people if we didn't learn from our mistakes as we fumble along through this life of ours. We learn more from our failures than from our victories, so the failures make the victories all the sweeter, right?

Anywho, I'm getting all off-track, but I'm too lazy to edit myself into oblivion today. I actually came here to write about a different kind of change: the change that people go through when they want to be famous.

I got to thinking about this subject after flipping through the FM dial the other day and realizing that Adele's Rollin' In The Deep was on nearly every channel. Now, I love Adele, and it's a testament to how great that song is that I am not even sick of it (yet). What I love most about her, however, is that she looks so normal.

She's a beautiful girl, sure, but she's not your typical pop star. Not only is she an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, but she doesn't fit into that mold that everyone else seems to cram themselves into. She's a little chubby, just like the rest of us. She looks great with her hair and make up done, but she also looks fresh and natural when she's caught by the paparazzi getting coffee, etc. Her voice is sultry, soulful, and strong, and she looks the part. In short, I think she's adorable and I hope she never changes.

But I'll bet she will, because nothing gold can stay.

Since when do singers all have to be skinny and drop-dead gorgeous, anyway? Who decided that the public couldn't (or shouldn't) tolerate fat or ugly people who happen to have talent? These days, the minute someone makes it really big they go from looking like this:

To looking like this:

Which, in my opinion, is boring has hell. Sure, if Jennifer Hudson here is healthier and happier, then good for her! But I somehow doubt she ~~starved herself~~ went on Weight Watchers to be healthier. She went on a huge diet because she was sick of feeling like the Goodyear blimp at fittings, and tired of carrying the "Proud Fat Chick" banner for the rest of us. I'm not blaming her, I'm just saying that with talent like hers, she should be able to look any way she wants.

Isn't that right, Aretha?

That's right, baby!

Anywho, just a friendly reminder from your neighborhood Bev to be kind to yourself. Love yourself, even if you have a few pounds to lose or have adult acne or massive breasts that are just a little bit terrifying. There's only one you, and you are awesome.

That is all.

Have a great week!

PS) Since Frank asked me what the title means, I'm adding this note in case anyone else doesn't get the reference. "Stay gold, Ponyboy" is a line from the movie, The Outsiders, which is based on the book by S.E. Hinton. The line is referring to this poem by Robert Frost:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

*dusting off hands* I think we've all learned something here today. My work here is done!

It's the end of the world as we know it...

2011-05-20T10:48:00.004-04:00

and I feel fine. No, really, I do.

Sooo, if you're one of those ~~religious extremists~~ Christians who think that the world is going to end tomorrow, I hope you're all doing it UP today! Seriously, you're already Saved... why not get your party on, comfortable in the knowledge that you will be safely ushered into Heaven at approximately 6 PM EST tomorrow?

See u Saturday! lol

Go nuts! Get the caffeinated coffee. Eat a Big Mac. Have a beer. ~~Rub one out.~~

We'll be sad to see you go, but those of us who are left behind will somehow muddle through. It will be tough going, what with all of the earthquakes and zombie attacks and all, but somehow I think this rag-tag group of sinners will do okay. I'm just psyched that all of my friends and most of my family will still be here! It'll be like Old Home Day up in here!

I'm feeling pretty well-prepared, having done a big grocery shop and stocked up on water, iodine tablets, and non-perishable food items yesterday. But truth be told, I plan to get the majority of my supplies during the Post-Rapture looting. First stop: pharmacy.

What? For my thyroid medication, duh. What did you think, that I'd grab all of the pain relievers, condoms, and Xanax? No way! Never.*

Second stop: liquor store.

Catch you later, fellas.

At any rate, I'm pretty okay with the world ending tomorrow. I mean, I'd be bummed, yeah, but it would be kind of a relief in some ways. No more stress, worry, or credit card bills. No more forcing myself to exercise even though I hate it. No more Kardashians on TV.

I could get used to it. I'd adjust.

Haha, I'm kidding! I'm not really a crazy nut who believes in that crap, sillies! On Sunday morning, we'll all still be here, and I'd love to be a fly on the wall of one of the churches whose congregation believed it all.

Oops.

Instead, I'll be one of the many, many people on this planet who will join together in the spirit of brotherhood and give them a universal, cosmic one of these:

That'll teach you to believe in something, believers!

Oh, settle down, I'm kidding. Mostly.

At any rate, tonight I'll be spending the last night of "normal" existence on a chick date. We're going to eat our body weights in delicious carbohydrates and then go see Bridesmaids, and I can't think of a better way to say sayonara to the world as we know it.

Just in case, I wish you all the best in the Afterlife or whatever. If you end up staying here, as I'm sure you will because if you read my blog then you're undeniably ~~a big fat sinner~~ cool, call me!

Peace, love, and antibiotics!
XOXO

La Bev

*Yes way. Always.

Catch-Up Time: Best and Worst!

2011-05-19T12:48:00.005-04:00

Helllloooooo! First things first. Yes, I know I've been seriously MIA 'round these parts. My apologies to those who give a flying fig (you know who you are!). I've been busy trying to change my (work) life, which is a lot harder than it sounds, so I let the OOBH slide a bit. Still love ya, though, and I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things pronto.

So, let's catch up! I thought I'd review the best and worst stuff that's been going on in my little corner of the world. I'll do my best to keep this brief, but I can't make any promises.

The Best

Tina Fey's book.

Holy shnikeys, this woman can write. The book is simply awesome. She shares little bits of wisdom that she's picked up over the course of her career as a writer and entertainer, but she's not obnoxious about dropping this knowledge. She's infinitely self-deprecating and aware of how fortunate she is, while also acknowledging the hard work she put in to get where she is. I learned a lot, and most of all, laughed a lot. This is stay-up-late-laughing-out-loud-by-yourself-in-your-silent-living-room good.

Learning to shut my pie hole.
I've been working hard on another personal goal lately, and that is to stop giving such a tremendous fuck about everything. I've been much happier. Now, when someone says something childish or annoying to me, I restrain myself and don't respond. This is huge for me, because previously I'd get into it with them and get myself all worked up, which really helps no one.

Something else I learned from Tina Fey--when someone acts badly you have to ask yourself if s/he is standing in the way of what you want. If not, ignore them and go about your business. You're not going to change their mind, so why bother? If they are in your way, find a way around them -- over, under, around!

Seriously, read the book.

The Worst

The ticks

I'm not sure if this is a sign of the impending Rapture or what, but the goddamn motherfucking TICKS have already started their campaign to rule the world. Is it a bad tick year for everyone, or just ME? It started about two weeks ago when my youngest son wandered up to me with a tick attached to his chest. I was totally skeeved out, naturally, but I plucked that sucker off of him and took great pleasure in squishing it till it couldn't be squished no mo'. Little did I know that that tick had a legion of friends in low places.

A few days later, Jim took the dog for a walk and came home covered... and I do mean COVERED... in disgusting, crawling ticks. This is how I got the honor of searching my naked husband's nooks and crannies for creepy-crawlies, which was highly unpleasant for us both. Later that night I found three more of the stubborn bastards on the dog despite being freshly dosed with Frontline, and worst yet, the next day as I sat at work I felt something tickling my arm under the shirt. Sure as shit, there was a tick crawling on me! And this was after TWO showers! This morning I found another one on my pant leg.

As a certifiable arachnophobe, this WILL NOT DO. I've cleaned my house top to bottom, done all the laundry in HOT water, and am one step away from setting off some sort of chemical bomb in my home to make sure I never see another blood-sucking fuckazoid again. FML!

The Day Job
At the risk of being dooced, which is a chance I'm clearly willing to take, I will say that things have gone from bad to worse at my day job.

Let's put it this way: if you could choose between sitting 4 feet away from a micromanaging boss with no concept of personal space OR an elderly cat lady who chatters like a deranged squirrel all day, which would you choose? Tough one, innit?

I'm not about to jump into another crap job that might turn out to be worse than this one, so until the perfect gig comes along, I'm sticking it out. But I'm working on it every day and outwardly maintaining my usual sunny disposition, which is all I can do.

The Rain
It has been gray, overcast, and raining steadily for a week now. I'd make a joke about building an ark and all that, but frankly I'm too tired. I'm either suffering from SAD or Lyme disease, both of which are super-duper awesome, right?

Don't act like you're not impressed.

So there you have it! I have so much more to say -- we didn't even get into the whole Arnold Swartzenegger diddling the maid thing or the fact that Hanson has a number 1 song on the charts again (a sure sign of the impending apocalypse)! But I've got work to do, so I'll sign off even with all of this unfinished business.

What have YOU been up to? What's the best and worst stuff happening in your life?

It's Not Easy Being A Girl

2011-04-27T13:15:00.004-04:00

They say the truth hurts, but I'm here to tell you that beauty hurts more.

Not natural beauty, of course--but the kind of beauty that we ladies pay good money for and for which we subject our bodies to various torturous devices and garments. Here's my list of things that women use that are seriously painful, but we do them anyway... all in an effort to look pretty. Feel free to add any that I may have missed in the Comment section!

High Heels

I've written before about high heels that have ruined my night, and I stand by my theory that high heels were created by a misogynistic sadist whose quest to torture women just happened to produce something that also makes our legs and asses look fantastic.

"Comfortable high heels" is a total oxymoron, yet when special occasions arise we wedge our poor hooves into unnatural positions, crunch our toes into narrow leather restraints, and put undue pressure on our lower backs... all because.... well, why do we do it? Because it's expected of us, sure. Because legs look stumpy when you're wearing flats, definitely. Some women want to look taller, but as a 5'7" "giant" that was never the case for me.

The older I get, the less inclined I am to suffer for fashion. When I shoe shop I become a bit of an old lady, uttering previously-unheard of phrases like, "That heel is too skinny for me," and "Does this come in Wide?" I'm seriously one step away from throwing in the towel and getting a pair of these beauties:

False Eyelashes

Long, lush lashes are something that we all strive to achieve. There's a multi-million dollar industry built on the fact that women will smear everything from beeswax to bat crap on their eyelashes in order to make them darker and longer. On special occasions I've been known to rock some false eyelashes, and while I love how they look, I do NOT love the process of applying them. You have to put glue on them, you see, and then get them in just the right place on your eyelid, which isn't easy. Then you have to hold them there until they dry, and you can almost guarantee that they will start to come off at some point... which is a weird look.

But you cannot deny that for certain occasions, nothing but long black eyelashes will do:

Spanx

It's a well-documented fact that I own several pairs of Spanx (and other corset-y, suck-you-in undergarments), but the truth of the matter is that Spanx suck! They don't make you look thinner, they just smooth out your lumps and fat rolls and relocate them to other, weirder places. Sure, they can make your lumpy cottage cheese ass look less lumpy and cottage cheesy, but they will not eliminate the junk in your trunk. Only diet and exercise will do that... and we all know how I feel about those.

Hair Extensions

Since I'm not a Hollywood celebrity I have very limited experience with hair extensions, however recently Mala tried hers on me and I have to tell you... they may look amazing, but they hurt like a mofo! The clip-on kind (like Mala has) are little comb/clip things that fasten onto your hair at the roots, and when all is said and done you're left with a very heavy head of hair that once belonged to a cash-strapped Indian woman and is now clipped painfully to your scalp. Every movement of your head reminds you that they are there; and they're not just heavy... they hurt.

The permanent extensions are even more expensive and even more painful, from what I've heard, so every time you see an actress go from short to long seemingly overnight, know that they're lugging around a few pounds of paid-for locks that are probably hurting their skulls with every nod and shake of their heads. Jennifer Aniston, who is known for her gorgeous head of hair, admits to being "addicted" to hair extensions and to losing a lot of her real mane as a result of using the extensions so much.

Clearly, I'll put up with a lot in order to look as fabulous as I can on special occasions. Between the above examples of vanity and the fact that girls are well known to be terrible bitches throughout adolescence, I can say without hyperbole that it's not easy being a girl!

What do you think? What did I miss?

Gigolos, Taxes, Wax, & Donkeys

2011-04-20T12:21:00.002-04:00

Yes, folks, this post is about all of those things. Buckle up.

What's shaking in Blogland, my lovelies? I'm having a nice, quiet day at home today. I should be working on a few on-going projects, instead I'm cruising the internet and finding little gems like this one:

Clearly, it's shaping up to be a productive 4/20!

Speaking of 4/20, this date is significant to me not because it's all about the good chit, but mostly because today is the day that I became a mother for the first time eight years ago. That's right, I had a baby on 4/20, which is further proof that the Universe has a fantastic sense of humor.

Anyway, here we go.

Just a Gigolo

Last week I was falling asleep on the couch to United States of Tara when the sounds of televised sexy times awakened me....

WHOA! I'm awake!

It's called Gigolos, it's about five straight metrosexual male escorts in Las Vegas, and it's juicy. Not only do they show the guys hanging out, working out, drinking, and generally one-upping each other, but they also show them on their "dates," and holy cow! The sex is brief but graphic, and... well, yeah -- I am wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at you right now.

What surprised me most is the types of women who seek out the company of these male prostitutes. (Oh, sorry - escorts.)

Most of them are extremely normal and not awful looking, which shocked me because since when do average women have such a hard time getting laid that they need to pay for it? Especially in Vegas? Please. But I guess these ladies (and couples) are looking for something specific, with no strings attached...? IDK. The guys themselves are interesting characters too -- each have very different styles and personalities. There's the bleach-blond, tanorexic douchebag, the tattooed, rather dense bad boy, the ~~schmaltzy~~ sensitive dad who works to support his kid, and the educated, seemingly-"normal" guy. Something for everyone!

So, there you have it -- THIS exists.

Tax Season

Hallelujah, it's over! My office was maddening all month.

Wax on, wax off

My most recent Oddee article contains photos with a few familiar faces! I was actually able to use some of my very own pics of us molesting wax figures, so take a peek if you get a chance.

Fun stuff. :)

I *heart* Toby Turner

"Must...have...peanut!"

Okay, that'll do for now. Have a groovy day!

Weekend at Britney's

2011-04-18T11:34:00.000-04:00

I'm a big music fan, and when it comes to music consumption I'm a bit of an omnivore. I refuse to pigeon-hole myself into any one musical genre; if I like it, I like it. My iPod is a hodge-podge of randomness, containing tunes from every kind of artist imaginable, from speed metal to show tunes. It's no secret that I like a lot of the terrible pop music that dominates our air waves, because fuck it -- if it's got a good beat and I can dance to it, I'm in. I make no apologies, and I listen to enough "cool" music to appease my inner hipster and my outer critics.

Whatever that means.

At any rate, I am going on record for something today that might alienate some of my readers, but I hope not. I'm going to admit that I not-so-secretly like Britney Spears.

I know, I know. You don't even have to say it. I know.

She's not a great singer (snort!) or anything like that, but I dig those manufactured club songs and her autotuned-within-an-inch-of-her-life baby voice. I credit many of her hit songs for helping me lose weight many a time by giving me something to listen to at the gym that makes me want to shake it like a Polaroid picture. Hell, I've even been known to throw out a Brit-Brit quote ~~while drunkenly expostulating~~ from time to time, because say what you will, there ARE only two types of people in the world: ones that entertain, and ones that observe.

Guess which kind I am?

So I'm glad that Britney is making another comeback again, and I like both of the new songs that she has released even though I'm well-aware that they are technically absolutely terrible. The only thing that bothers me is that Britney herself looks like she's drugged within an inch of her life as she does the heavily-controlled PR for her new album. In fact, she's so out of it that it made me wonder, when does it become sad?

I read this great article recently that details the exact moment when Britney stopped being a pop star and started being a trained monkey controlled by "her people." As that writer says, Britney has become much like the titular character in Weekend At Bernie's -- her people control what she says, to whom she says it, and largely, how it is interpreted. She is carted around like a drugged-up marionette and forced to perform. She really is a "Slave" for us.

"Even when you go to jail, y'know, there's the time when you're gonna get out. But in this situation, it's never ending," Spears said in 2008 as she prepared for the release of "Circus," her first album under the strict conservatorship that grants her father legal control over nearly all of her personal and professional affairs.

-- Caryn Ganz in Amplifier

I have no doubt in my mind that if Britney were given her 'druthers, she'd be living a quiet life off the charts somewhere, but she clearly has no real say in the matter. She's been a media creation since she was 10 years old, and aside from a brief period when she very publicly went off the deep end, she has always been under the control of someone else, never free to live her own life or make her own decisions.

If we need further proof that Britney's heart is just not in her career anymore, check out this video comparing Britney dancing in 1999 to Britney dancing in 2011. Sure, we're all older now than we were 10+ years ago, but this seems like more than slowing down thanks to hitting the ripe "old" age of 30-something, doesn't it? She's going through the motions, but you can tell that she just doesn't give a shit anymore.

It's all very sad, when you think about it. I can't get on board with limiting another person's free will, even if that person is wealthy and privileged beyond most of our comprehension. What good is having millions in the bank if you're forced to do something that you have grown to hate, something that thrusts you into the limelight and makes you a target for people ~~like me~~ who want to pick on your ugly weave, your cellulite, and your horrendous life choices?

I'm starting to feel like listening to Britney Spears is a little bit like eating veal; it may be delicious, but morally it gives you pause because you know in your heart that it's wrong. Someone suffered for your enjoyment... but then I see pics of her vacationing in exotic places and I think maybe she's okay with being exploited, so why should I care? I just don't know.

What do you think?

U.S. Stereotypes

2011-04-12T13:06:00.003-04:00

I found this map last week and it made me smile. I admit that since I haven't traveled to every state in this great country yet*, I try to reserve judgment as much as possible. HOWEVER... I really think they nailed the common perceptions that many of us have about different areas of the good old U.S. of A.

Click to enlarge.

Speaking as someone who has spent her entire life living in Vermont and New Hampshire, I do find it interesting that the stereotype for those states is that we are rich. In fact, pardon me while I snort loudly and roll my eyes.... I am clearly in the bottom half of THAT demographic. While I've never been what I'd consider "poor," I've never exactly been wealthy either.

I can't quite make out what they said for Maine, but it looks like sailing? I would have said Lobster, but that's just me. *shrug* Also, what does "fashion bloggers" refer to? I feel like an idiot for not getting that.

How'd they do for your state/area?

* I have this crazy pipe dream about renting an RV and taking my family on the ultimate Griswold-style vacation some day, although I'm fairly certain that so much time in an enclosed space with my darling husband and adorable spawnlings might inspire some unfortunate incidents...and possible jail time. Totally worth it!

Aging: You're Doing It Wrong

2011-04-11T12:56:00.003-04:00

Happy Monday! You'll never believe it, but all of my whining over being sick of winter finally paid off this weekend! We enjoyed 70 degree weather with a fair amount of sunshine yesterday, and it was everything that I hoped it could be, and more. Vitamin D was Mother Nature's way of bitch-slapping me out of my funk, so I'm finally back to my usual blatherings here at OOBH Central. Praise Cheeses!

The return of that large fiery ball at the center of our universe got me thinking about sunscreen, naturally. When you're like me and have the coloring of a Scottish albino, you have to think about these things early and often. I'm only in my mid-thirties, yet in the fine lines of my face I can already see evidence of every sunburn and tan I've ever inflicted upon myself, so I've become one of these sunblock fanatics who never leaves the house unprotected.

We all have to get older, and it sure beats the alternative! But we don't have to LOOK old, now do we?

Which brings us to my point (yes, I do have one... for a change), and that is those celebrities who walk among us yet don't seem to be aging at the same rate as the rest of us mere mortals. Sure, many (most?) of them rely heavily upon Dr. Cutsalot and his magical scalpel, not to mention all of those scary plastic injectables and whatnot... but there seem to be a few famous folks who have somehow managed to slow the hands of time so much that they look pretty much the same as they did a decade ago.

SHENANIGANS!

Is it witchcraft? Deals with the devil? Some sort of Picture of Dorian Gray dealio? You decide.

Christie Brinkley

This woman is 57 years old. FML.

Paul Rudd

Baby face, much?

Gwyneth Paltrow

Yes, we hate Gwyneth, but bitch is NOT aging.

Halle Berry

I hope she's "must look away" scary in her next life. Seems only fair.

Iman

Maybe starting to look a trifle plastic? Still... wow.

Keanu Reeves

I don't care if he technically "can't act," he has always made me feel funny in my pants

Sharon Stone

Maybe it's the CrAzY that keeps the wrinkles away?

Julianne Moore

This redhead credits staying out of the sun for helping to keep her skin smooth.

Susan Sarandon

Mother. Lover.

Since every coin has two sides, next let's take a look at a few celebs who are not aging so well.

Lindsay Lohan

24 years old. Twenty-four. Years. OLD.

Jude Law

That is one unfortunate hairline, my good man!

Pam Anderson

It's Wednesday, Wednesday, ya gotta get down on Wednesday

2011-04-06T10:20:00.001-04:00

Whussup, amigos? Long time, no speak. I've been a busy little beaver lately, but I want you to know that just because I can't update the OOBH as often as I used to, I still love you from the bottom of my boogety-boogety shoe. No, seriously. I love you like I love tacos.

(In case you didn't know, that's a lot -- I eat the hell out of some tacos any chance I get!)

Okay... so I've already mentioned beavers and tacos in the first two seconds of this post. I'd say we're off to a rip-roaring start! Tra-LA!

Things are okay with me, thanks for askin'. I've been in a bit of a funk for the past week or so, but nothing that some sunshine and warm weather wouldn't fix. This winter is kicking my ass! Here it is, April 6th, and I still see nothing but snow and brown, muddy earth in my yard. It has also been colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra, and I'm just so sick of being cold. I've been battling a cold and generally just feeling uninspired and as far from energetic as humanly possible. Yep... definitely slumpy.

The good news is that I've been collecting funnies as usual, and I will now dispense them in the hopes that they jar some funny loose and make us all smile. It's worth a shot, right? Here goes:

I want this hat:

(Looks like it would go well with tacos!)

As always, thanks for reading the OOBH. Hopefully I will be back to my usual bevtastic ways pronto. In the meantime, I'm going to go hunt down some tacos for lunch... because YES, I am the highly-impressionable type. :)

xo

Conspiracy Theories

2011-03-28T11:04:00.000-04:00

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm pretty sure that my iPod became self-aware this morning.

I had it on random shuffle mode and the songs it played were all shockingly similar in theme. I'm pretty sure it's trying to tell me something, but I'm not sure what.

It played:
I Will Survive - the Cake version.
I thought: Hmm, okay. Cake's version is even more blase and peevish than the original, so I can dig it.

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
Hmm, that's odd. What are the chances? Strange.

I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
This is getting a little weird.

I'm Still Standin' - Elton John
WTF?

If I Fall (You're Goin' Down With Me) - Dixie Chicks
OMG, I think I need to go home and not handle any sharp objects today.

But no, I didn't do that. I'm here at work, waiting to see what kind of trouble will find me today. I'm thinking positively, as always, but still... bracing for something. The iPod has spoken!

Speaking of crazy conspiracy theories, there are a few things that I've been wondering about lately, and I thought I'd just throw them out there and see what you guys thought. I'm not usually someone who thinks everything means something, and I definitely don't subscribe to the whole 2012: world coming to an end thing. But still.

What's up with all the UFOs?

Last week, there was yet another UFO sighting in Colorado. According to ABC News, last week hundreds of residents in the town of Lafayette, CO witnessed a strange triangular formation of red lights hovering soundlessly over their homes. In fact, they even got video of them:

Last October, mysterious objects were seen over one of the most heavily-monitored air spaces in the world: the island of Manhattan. Countless people saw the strange objects, yet the authorities couldn't offer any explanation of what they were and the whole thing seemed to be quietly swept under the rug. This website would have you believe that there are several UFO sightings every single week, including one over Tsunami-ravaged Fukushima, Japan just last week.

Humans: always the last to know

I've blogged before about this year's strange fish kills and birds falling out of the sky, dead. It's a documented fact that animals know things before we lowly humans get the memo, so what microscopic natural cues are the world's creatures responding to?

Radiation from Japan

They say that the gradual melt-down of the nuclear power plant in Japan won't cause long-term health effects for those of us living here on Earth. I call bullshit.

I'm no nuclear physicist. Nope -- I'm just a caveman. But one thing I do have experience with is a little something called I-131 radiation, which is one of the main kinds of radiation that's being released by the bucket-load into the water and air around Japan right this very moment.

You see, about ten years ago I came down with a bad case of thyroid cancer, and after having a rather huge surgery to remove the damaged gland and the effected lymph nodes, the next thing they do to you is nuke the bejeezus out of you in an attempt to kill the rest of the disease.

Guess what they use to destroy any last traces of thyroid cells in your body? I-131 radiation, that's what. Now, when I took my large dose of radioactive iodine, this is how it went down:

I went to the hospital and the radiation oncologists came in wearing a space suit and mask, towing behind them a little metal wagon with a locked metal box on top. Once they quizzed me about what I'd had to eat that day (nothing) and whether or not I felt the least bit queasy (a deal-breaker, as vomiting after taking the pill would qualify as a "nuclear spill" and require a HazMat team) I was instructed to open the metal box and take the little horse pill inside. No one else would touch the pill.

Once I took it, I stayed in a locked, plastic-wrapped hospital room for four days until the radiation levels dissipated enough that I could safely walk among the general public again. Even after I left the hospital I was instructed to stay home for 3-4 more days, stay far away from children and pregnant women, eat off of plastic utensils and plates, and flush the toilet several times after using it... so that my pee wouldn't corrode the pipes.

That was 250 nuclear units. How much of that stuff is being released into the atmosphere in Japan? Enough so that I-131 was detected in rain water in Boston last week, that's how much.

If that's not enough to make us look into green energy, what is?

Okay, those are mine. What do you think? Is it time to bust out the tinfoil hats or what?

Your Strongest Sense?

2011-03-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

Of the five senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing, which is your strongest? They say that everybody has one sense that's dominant. In my case, it's definitely my sense of smell.

My eyes suck -- I've worn some form of corrective lenses ever since I was 15 and failed the eye portion of my driving exam. When I finally got my first pair of glasses, I was shocked at how badly I had been seeing the world previously! Trees were just big green blobs; seeing details like leaves and bark was a new experience.

My other senses are all perfectly fine; my sense of smell is simply noteworthy because I can do crazy things with it. Seriously... it's practically bionic.

When I was in LA recently, my friends and I were standing on a street corner (shut up) talking, when all of the sudden I got a horrible whiff of dog poop. I wrinkled my face up and said, "Ugh!" but no one else smelled a thing. A minute later we noticed a police dog about half a mile away quietly copping a squat on the sidewalk. No lie.

I often smell things that no one else does, but that burning scent is totally normal, right?

Anyhoodle, that's my big claim to fame: I can smell a fish fart from fifty paces. I suppose it could be worse:

What about you? Which one of your senses is super?

The Pants Thing

2011-03-16T14:43:00.003-04:00

People whom I've just met online & who are new to me and to the OOBH often ask me, "Hey Bev, what's the deal with you hating pants?" It's a valid question, and there's a valid explanation.

It's not that I hate all pants, I just hate the ones I have to wear in public.

Wait, that sounds wrong. See, I find work pants (and even jeans) to be very restrictive garments. In the Summer I wear skirts and dresses almost exclusively, preferring them even over shorts. Pants and shorts are just not that comfortable!

If I could get away with it, I'd be like Hugh Hefner and wear pajamas all day, every day. Ya' gotta hand it to ol' Hef-- if he has company over to the Playboy Mansion, he doesn't do anything more than put on an even spiffier pair of satin PJs under that suave smoking jacket of his. Why bother getting dressed up in regular, binding street clothes while in the comfort of your own home? It's ludicrous, really.

Which is why, as soon as I get home from work, I put on my version of satin pajamas and a smoking jacket: pajama bottoms, yoga pants, flannel loungers... I've got drawers full of these elastic-waistbanded comfy pants.

So, you see... it's not that I hate all pants... just most of them. ;)

I'm not alone, of course. I recently bought this t-shirt made by like-minded pants-haters just like me! Plus, there's a website "dedicated to fighting the staggeringly tragic fight against pants," and there are these famous folks, courtesy of Style Bistro:

Rihanna

Katy Perry

Fergie Ferg

Lady Gaga

Miley Tire-Us

Janice Dickinson

Lily Allen

And of course, Mr. "Don't you hate pants?" himself, Homer Simpson:

See? Looks like I'm in good company! Though, I'm not really at the "walking around in public in my underwear" phase just yet. Gotta save something for my golden years, right?

What about you? Pants: love 'em or hate 'em?

Sunday Funnies!

2011-03-13T19:30:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks! What's shakin'?

All's well here; just having a very lazy day. I took a long nap this afternoon but still feel like I could sleep for days. Thank goodness Spring is on the way, right? Can't wait to get regular doses of warm, fresh air again!

Want an instant mood boost? Go to Google and type in "Spring," then click Images. Enjoy. :)

My work days are getting busier than ever (yay!), so I thought I'd do a little light blogging today. No mental heavy lifting since it's Sunday and all, just some funny pics I've been quietly hoarding for ya'.

I recently Stumbled Upon this quirky blog called Fun With Signs. When it comes to seeing juvenile humor everywhere, I think I've met my match with this guy!

Sometimes they get it right:

The rest of these are just funny pictures I've found around the web. They make me giggle... thought they might do likewise for you!

Have a fantastic week!
XOXO

Facebook Pet Peeves

2011-03-08T23:21:00.005-05:00

Yes, it's a rerun! I was just thinking about this topic the other day, and I decided this is one of my favorite posts... and a great rerun. It's right up there with that Seinfeld episode when Kramer gets the Merv Griffin set furniture--that's probably my #1 favorite rerun. This one's second-ish. Anyway, enjoy!

OXOX,
Bev

Facebook is a funny place. I love it, I really do, but occasionally there are certain friends who fall into a behavioral rut of sorts. They're perfectly nice people (would I be friends with them if they weren't? Hell no!) but sometimes Facebook fails happen to the best of us.

I think we've all made the "vaguebook" mistake of posting a status report that subtly begs your friends to ask you to explain it. You know, like, "Beverly wishes today weren't so hard." The sole purpose of saying something like that is to get people to ask, "Why is today hard? What's wrong?" The best (read: worst) part about that kind of status is usually when people do take the bait, the vaguebooker will reply, "I can't talk about it."

WHA?

Vaguebooking is annoying and self-gratifying, as are most of my F-book pet peeves. CNN had a great article that sums up a lot of these folks perfectly, and my favorite funny Facebook peeves list comes from The Oatmeal, with their illustrated "How to suck at Facebook" list. This one is my favorite:

Of course I have my own list, and it's kind of harsh. As you read it please keep in mind that I am fully aware that I am no better than you at Facebooking and I know I've been guilty of some of these things myself. I'm just calling 'em out because hey, it's my blog, and I can. Bring on the brutal honesty!

The Sad Sack

When the Sad Sack is happy you don't hear much from her, but when she's sad expect hourly updates about how much the world sucks and how hard it is to be her. Sure, we all get the blues sometimes, but frankly the "woe is me" bit gets old. First law of Facebook Club: not every thought needs to be shared.

The over-sharer

* Is my poo supposed to be this color?

* I don't want to go to the doctor so I'm gonna list out all of my symptoms here and let you guys diagnose me. Cool?

* I can pick stuff up with my twat!

* Got so drunk last night that when I barfed I peed myself!

We don't care, we don't want to know, and we don't need those visual images in our heads. STFU!

The braggart

What she says:

"Ran a marathon this morning, then brokered a million dollar deal at work. Now I'm baking a cake from scratch for my hot, wealthy husband while wearing nothing but high heels and an apron!"

What she doesn't say:

"I'm so insecure that I need to pretend to be perfect so people won't notice my debilitating lack of self-esteem."

The Zen philosophers

Every status report is about how enlightened they are and how gorgeous the universe is. Yes, we get it - you're deep.

There's no getting to know these folks, sadly, because they don't ever offer you a glimpse into their lives. It's not like we want constant updates ("I just ate a bagel!"), but spouting off cliches about how to live a better life helps no one and makes the rest of us feel like idiots for still thinking farts are funny.

All lyrics, all the time

All the cops in the donut shop say....

Sometimes these can be fun. Personally, I like to throw out half a quote and ask people to finish it, because I have some funny friends and their responses amuse me. However, I've got a few friends who only post quotes and they're always random and nonsensical; they sound like half of a Dr. Seuss poem or something. I don't get it and neither do 90% of the people on your friends list. Quit it.

The passive-aggressive type

They're talking to someone on their friends list, that much is clear, but they don't come right out and SAY they're upset with them. They say things like, "I'm so grateful for my REAL friends who stand by me!" These statements are designed to let you know that yes, you suck, and no, you're not a real friend if you don't know what she's talking about.

Get on that, will ya? What's wrong with you?

WTF are they talking about?

I have one friend who comments now and then and never makes a lick of sense. It's as if he's been having a conversation that only he can hear, and now he's responding to something you said in his mind.

Since I'm not psychic OR a code cracker, I usually just ignore these comments only to have him say to me later, "Why don't you ever respond to my comments?"

Uuuuummm.

The shmoopy love birds


John Mayer: the face of Schmaltz

They just love to shout their undying love for one another from the rooftops, resulting in copious schmaltzy declarations about how perfect they are for one another, how handsome/beautiful the other one is, and how their union is better than anyone else's. Not only are these stomach-turning declarations irritating, but it leads friends to wonder if the lady doth protest too much. Sometimes it's the people who feel the need to gush who have the most to hide, perhaps even from themselves.

So sayeth Therapist Bev.

Oh, extra dillweed points for people who sit in the same room and gush about each other on separate computers. Just shoot me in the goddamn head and get it over with.

Okay, hopefully I haven't alienated too many people with my frankness.

Now it's your turn -- what's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?

Tinsletown: The Unrated Version!

2011-03-05T07:56:00.028-05:00

Helloooooooooo!

I know you're probably surprised to see me here on a Saturday, but frankly I haven't felt up to documenting my trip out west until now. I've been kind of time-zoned-out, if you know what I'm saying! Mala and I didn't adjust well this time; neither of us slept very well or very much the whole trip, and it hasn't improved much for me this week. It's highly unusual for me--I love my sleep!

We had a great time! The trip was filled with new experiences, and I do love those. I got patted-down not once but twice, for instance, once by the LAPD and once by the TSA. The airport agent was actually a pretty attractive Asian woman. Bow chicka wow wow!

Ha ha, I keed, I keed. Anyway, Mala wrote a hilarious recap on her blog, but I'll fill in the naughty bits that she was too polite to include. :D

If you read my post from the other day, you're already up to speed on our night out at a burlesque show with Maeghan ~~and subsequent awful hangover~~.

The Cake Balls turned out to be outstanding.

Plus we met ~~Tony Danza~~ this guy. I don't know why, but I felt an instant connection with him!

The next day was a blur, but we did go have some amazing Thai food for lunch and then did a little light shopping.

Decisions, decisions....

Fist bump?

California is so cool. This store (with the awesome name) is located right next door in the strip mall to this shop:

Thai food, head/sex shop, and medical marijuana depositary: talk about a one-stop-shop!

Oh, and check out this Photoshop Disaster we spotted in a store window:

Take me to your leader

Then we walked back to our hotel via Hollywood Blvd's Walk of Fame.

The Dude abides

The next day we went on one of those cheesy Hollywood tours, and it turned out to be quite a good time! We met a nice Australian fellow and spent most of the day chatting with him. As you can see, he and Mala really hit it off:

Our tour guides took us way up close to the Hollywood sign and to an amazing scenic overlook. It was at that rest stop that I took what turned out to be the only usable "vlog" entry of the entire trip! Here it is -- make sure you wait for the surprise toward the end!

It was fun to see some local landmarks and learn more about the city of L.A. & Hollywood legends.

Rodeo Drive

Now, this is the story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

The famed "Pink Palace"

90210, yo

Robert Smith, Robert Smith!

The hotel where Janis Joplin died.

Food porn at Bar Marmont. What we thought were the best marinated mushroom caps we'd ever tasted turned out to be artichoke caps! Weird... but delicious!

On Tuesday we went to Venice Beach, which was... an experience. Basically it's a lawless stretch of boardwalk next to an amazing beach that seems to be entirely ruled by homeless people, drug dealers, and homeless drug dealers.

I didn't know that before we went; I assumed it would be similar to the family-friendly Jersey shore boardwalk I'd frequented as a child. Ummm, no. So I wore my new souvenir t-shirt, which turned out to be a BIG mistake:

Note to self: next time you go to "the 'hood," don't wear a bright red shirt with words across the chest. It's like giving all skeevy passers-by a written invitation to cat-call and stare at the boobage! It got... a little embarrassing. Luckily, I don't embarrass all that easily. ;)

That night, Mala's friend, He Who Shall Not Be Named (he's a private guy) hooked us up BIG TIME. Voldemort toils as an under-appreciated writer/director in show business and knows some famous folks. He also happens to be writing a new TV series with this guy, who happened to be performing a magic act at the ultra-exclusive Magic Castle. Most plebes like us never get into that place; you have to either be a member or be invited by a member... or in our case, be invited by a friend of a friend who was performing there. And they didn't make us enter through the kitchen or anything! :)

After rushing around in awful traffic all afternoon to get Mala outfitted (THIS Cosmo girl never travels without her cocktail dress and painful heels, naturally), we were finally ready to walk (yes, walk... our hotel was close to everything!) to the Castle. I am not gonna lie to you guys, I was a nervous wreck.

You see, I love celebrities... but I really don't have too much desire to meet them. Plus, I didn't know what to expect at all, and somewhere in the back of my mind I worried that our invitation to this shee-shee place was some kind of evil Dinner For Schmucks prank.

I'd like to say that I was put at ease the moment I walked in the door, but actually the opposite is true. As soon as I walked in the first person I saw happened to be a certain Oscar winner (hint: he won for playing a killer with a bowl cut), and immediately all of the blood drained from my face and I thought I might faint.

No, seriously.

Mala was concerned that I was having some sort of medical emergency! In a daze, I watched as someone muttered the secret word to make a bookcase swing open, revealing a dimly-lit bar filled with beautiful, beautiful people.

Ahoy, Polloi! I was shaking like a leaf. Mala lead me to the bar and I had a medicinal belt of Cabernet, and I finally got my head together! The place was like a who's who of B-listers; lots of soap stars that we recognized but whose names we didn't know. Lots of publicist-types. Lots of guys like this:
One guy who looked exactly like this:

Another guy playing poker who looked suspiciously like this:

It was seriously awesome. The magic shows were fun and entertaining, and I even got picked to be a part of one of the card tricks! I had to talk in front of all those people... and of course I dropped a suggestive joke... because I apparently can't help myself. *face palm*

The mansion itself was amazing -- it's the place Disney's Haunted Mansion was based on; the ride at Disney is designed after it. Inside it's a maze of stairways, rooms, a restaurant, and little theatres tucked away in corners. Oh, and bars... a bar outside of every theatre. I like the way these Hollywood types party!

We behaved ourselves, though, and didn't take a single pic (per their strict no cameras policy).

It. was. awesome!

And then it took 11 hours to get home. The End. ;)

Any questions?

Live from the Loading Dock!

2011-02-27T22:11:00.001-05:00

Hey there, my beautiful BOOBHs! How the heck are ya?

Okay, so I'm watching the Oscars right now... in a hotel room that's roughly 500 yards from the actual ceremony. And yes, that's as close as I am getting tonight!

Earlier today we ~~enjoyed~~ endured a pat-down by LAPD's finest just to get across the street from where the stars were getting out of their limos. We stood in a crowd foreign tourists for a while but couldn't see shit! People were just extending their cameras over their heads like periscopes, taking pictures and just hoping to catch something. Finally decided we'd rather go watch E! so we could at least see all the pretty dresses. :)

Our hotel is incredibly, ridiculously close to the ceremony! We've been watching them move giant potted plants, food, equipment, etc. into the theater for two days.

We haven't had a lot of luck seeing celebs yet, but each day is a new day here in Hollywood! We're just having a wonderful time. Yesterday we had lunch with the lovely Melissa, then we went shopping. Note to self: don't have two glasses of wine before shopping because suddenly dropping $130 in the Lucky store on two cotton shirts seems like a totally normal thing to do.

Last night we did it UP! We went to that burlesque show at a nightclub and got waaaay silly. I swear we laughed for 6 hours straight! Everyone we talked to-even the cab driver on the way there-was such a character! We took three turns in the photo booth and got some hilariously silly pics, and by the end of the night Maeghan and I were carrying Mala around like the two guys from Weekend at Bernie's. At one point Maeghan went to the bathroom and I found myself controlling Mala's limbs in time to the song "Stayin' Alive." Good times!

The photobomber MAKES this shot!

This morning, however... not such good times. Oy. It took us half the day to feel like doing anything other than groan, but once we got out into the beautiful, cool, sunny California weather, we felt better. Seriously, it's so pretty here, and even though it is cooler than usual, I am loving the weather. We had some yummy Thai for lunch and scoped out the hullabaloo on Hollywood Boulevard, and now here we sit... watching the Oscars on TV and writing to you. My buds.

Speaking of that, you didn't think I'd go to a Hollywood burlesque show and not bring you something back, did you? Sorry it's shaky, but after that many Absolut Mandarin & Sprites, you're lucky it recorded at all.

You're welcome!

Hey, FYI -- I've got a new article coming out on Oddee tomorrow (Monday)! Check it out if you get a chance.

Hope you're all having a FABULOUS, wonderful evening!
XOXO

Leaving today! I think. Hopefully.

2011-02-25T10:14:00.014-05:00

Well, today's the day we leave for L.A.! Unfortunately, Mother Nature has her period AGAIN, so we're just keeping our fingers crossed about flying out of Manchester even close to on time so that we can catch our connecting flight in Chicago. This morning my darling husband drove me to work in this:

Thankfully he and the boys made it safely home after dropping me at the office. The house is clean, laundry is done, fridge is stocked, & Jim has plenty of beer... I'M OUTTA HERE!

Of course, as I sit here at work I'm keeping an eye on the airport situation. As of right now, it's looking grim:

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best! At the worst, Mala and I will have extra time at the airport to enjoy a few pre-flight cocktails. Oh, and get this... all we want is a little warmth & sunshine, right? Well, apparently SoCal is experiencing a record cold front moving down the coast from Alaska. I can almost hear the cosmos laughing at us now.

Since a few of you mentioned that you'd be scanning the police reports for our names next week (and honestly, I can't rule anything out), I thought it might be fun to take a little trip down Mug Shot Lane. A sort of cautionary tale, yes? Enjoy!

All of these pics are from TMZ.

Vanilla Ice, Ice, Baby

Word to your motha (if that word is, "Hey Mom, I need bail money.")

Snooki

Poof-less

Nicole Richie

Ah, Vicodin and weed on an empty stomach... breakfast of champions, eh Nicole?

Yasmeen Bleeth

Yikes. Meth is a powerful drug.

Nick Nolte

You can practically see the stink lines.

Hugh Grant

You'd look sheepish too if you were caught picking up a tranny!

John Mayer

I had no idea that it was illegal to be a douchebag! I think I have a few people to report....

The guy from Color Me Bad (whose name I'm not bothering to look up)

I wanna lock you up!

Mike Tyson

He may be crazy, but at least he's not crazy!

Lindsay Lohan

Just one of her many mugshots, but my personal favorite. Something about the glassy eyes & crusty upper lip just speaks to me.

Dawn Wells

Oh, Mary Ann.... The "P" in PTA stands for pot.

Haley Joel Osment

I see dead people... because I just hit them with my '96 Saturn station wagon while drunk and high. Oops.

My personal favorite: Rip Torn

Agent S for Sadz.

Okay, enjoy your weekends and stay safe, my peeps! I'll be talking to you on OSCAR SUNDAY, where I may end up wearing my woolen mittens. Sigh.

*AIR KISSES*
XOXO

La Bev Goes to L.A.

2011-02-21T21:34:00.009-05:00

In two short days (not counting today) I will be leavin' on a jet plane with my BFF Mala for a brief vacay in La-La-Land. To say that I cannot wait is an understatement! I've been working very hard lately--generating more and more freelance writing work for myself every day AND still holding down my 30 hour/week office job, plus, you know, recovering from surprise surgery last week. So I really feel that I've earned a few lovely days of 70 degree weather, sunshine, good food, good friends, and booze. Delicious booze.

We've made plans to meet up with my dear friend from college, the lovely Maeghan. Maeghan recently moved to the L.A. area, and the last time we hung with her in NYC we had the best time! Can't wait to see what shenanigans we get up to on this trip.

Saturday night we're going to a party at the New Noir's Sunset Starlets Burlesque Club, complete with $25 top shelf open bar, something called cake balls, and famous starlet impersonators who may or may not be drag queens. We're kinda hoping that they are.

The first order of business, however, is a lunch date with the lovely Melissa, of cooking blog fame! We're really looking forward to meeting her. :) Later in the week I'm also meeting up with some of my oldest online friends, my Hestia gals. We are a small private online community of 65 or so members from all over the U.S. and world. I've met a lot of them over the years, and I can't wait to have a fun dinner with the four ladies who live in the L.A. area.

Of course, the main event has to be... *drum roll please*

THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

Yeah, baby. Even though our invitations must have gotten lost in the mail (damn you, USPS!), we managed to book a hotel that's so close to the Kodak Theatre, it's ridiculous.

The lobby of our hotel is basically right next to the rear entrance of the Theatre, so we'll be camping out on Sunday just in case any celebs want to skip the red carpet and go in the back way. Or, have a cigarette break, etc. You never know, and when stalking celebrities it's all about location, location, location!

Since we love you all, we might even do a little video blogging, live from the back door! Maeghan is going to be our special guest correspondent, so watch out! She's fabulous, dahlings.

Join us, won't you? Pull up a lawn chair and we'll pass you a virtual glass of ~~Champagne~~ Sparkling Wine. I've never attempted to live blog before, but hey, I'm okay with trying new things. Obvs.

Okay, enough of my jibba-jabba. I'll do my best to check in later this week before jetting off to the left coast. In the meantime, I have a ton of work to muck through in order to board that plane on Friday evening carrying ZERO STRESS on my shoulders.

Cheers!

Download Folder Clean-Out Time!

2011-02-16T13:55:00.012-05:00

Heya peeps! How's it hangin'? I'm okay, still recuperating at home from my surprise Appendectomy last Friday. I apologize that I didn't get a post-Grammy post written for you this week, but I just wasn't feeling up to it. Also, the show was super lame and boring, yes? I didn't know who half the performers were and found it amusing that during the two and a half hours that I sorta-watched the show, I only saw about four awards get handed out. LA-HAAAAME.

I think it would have been surprising if Lady Gaga HAD NOT arrived in a huge plastic egg, right?

This has been quite a week. I feel better and the pain isn't as bad as the doctor said it would be, but it does flare up when I'm least expecting it. I'll think I'm doing great when all of a sudden my wounds get all stabby and I need to sit down, fast.

Today was the first day since last Thursday that I was able to get up and drive my kids to school all by myself, and then I decided to be an overachiever and stop at the garage to get my car inspected and have an oil change. Then I did a phone interview for one of my freelance jobs and cleaned the toilets (they were nasty and no one in my house seems to see/smell/notice the nastiness). Yes, I AM a Glam Gal! So?

By 10:30 AM I was POOPED! Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I popped a couple Vicodin and took myself a snooze on the couch. Btw, Vicodin is terrific stuff. I had to switch meds yesterday because apparently my body is not as big a fan of Percocet as my brain is. Ohai, rash! Thank goodness there is no shortage of prescription pain relief on the market.

Okay, enough about me and my dream of doing nothing, on to today's pitcher-post!

As you know, I love to cruise the internet in search of funny shizz for my BOOBHs, and when I find something I tend to stash it away for a day when I'm not at my most articulate. That day is today.

TEEKLES!

I gotz mad flowers in exchange for losing a body part, yo. Two more deliveries today!

Is it cold in here, H&M?

Hello, Royal Subjects!

Did you guys know that Spencer Gifts is basically a sex shop now? Well, it is. Also, I'm really looking forward to July 11th.

I liked his bumper sticker.

Thank you, Empathy Bear. I appreciate that.

My puppy is apparently not a big Elmo fan.

Ah, pictures. They're worth a thousand words. A thousand! That's a lot.

One last thing--my first feature Oddee article is going to be published this Saturday, so please keep an eye out for it. Remember, every time you click on one of my story links I'll earn a fraction of a cent! Woohoo! Also, an angel will get his wings and a puppy will get a Milkbone and a belly rub. What, do you hate angels and puppies? Of course not. So clicky. (But not now. Saturday.)

Latah!

Mmm, these drugs are delicious!

2011-02-13T13:18:00.020-05:00

Heyyyyy, whussup?

So guess who landed in the ER on Friday morning with Acute Appendicitis? Yep, yours truly!

After suffering through crazy abdominal cramps all night on Thursday I drove myself (!) to the hospital and found myself scheduled for emergency surgery faster than you can say, "WTF." While in the ER I managed to find every staff member who was having an off-day; first was the head nurse who stuck me no fewer than four times while trying to start an I.V., then came the CT tech who didn't attach the contrast dye to my I.V. properly so it burst open and drenched my hair, face, and arm in sticky wet liquid. (Don'tcha hate it when that happens?)

Talk about adding insult to injury! I had to spend the next 24 hours looking like this:

The surgery went really well, though, and they were able to do it laparoscopically so I have hardly any wounds to care for and the scarring will be minimal. That's a relief, since you all know how much I love to rock a bikini in the summer. (HA!)

I stayed in the hospital overnight on Friday and endured the world's most annoying roommate. You know how my crazy coworker talks me ear off at work all the time? Well, this was her in "overweight, disabled drug-seeker" form. She had her gall bladder removed, a surgery which our mutual surgeon said was almost exactly like my appendectomy, but according to her she was in excruciating pain and needed something from every person who walked through the door. The woman even complained in her sleep. I'm not kidding!

By Friday night I was dutifully shuffling around with my I.V. in the hospital hallways. Meanwhile my roommie needed two nurses and an orderly just to go to the bathroom, which I only saw her do twice in 24 hours. What a character! She's totally going to end up in my novel someday.

My friends and family blew me away with how helpful and kind they were. Everyone pitched in to take care of the kids, call and visit, make us dinner, drive my car home, send flowers, and I had countless wonderful messages on Facebook to read when I woke up from surgery. I am so, so, SO grateful for every single one of them. I was feelin' the love from all over! Maybe I should have extraneous body parts taken out more often.

Naaaaaah... that part still sucked. ;)

Anywho, I'm home now and will take the next couple of days off from my "real" job. I have a few pretty big writing assignments to complete this week but hopefully by tomorrow or Tuesday I'll feel up to tackling those, too. I'm trying not to stress out (for a change) and just rest and recuperate, but anyone who has ~~obnoxious~~ kids knows that that's easier said than done.

The doctor gave me pretty powerful pain drugs so I'm a happy camper. Let's just say that I'm not one to "suck it up;" if they give me good meds, I take 'em. My plans are to kick back, dose up, and watch the Grammy Awards show tonight. Hopefully I will be able to stay awake long enough so that tomorrow I can entertain you all with a post featuring my semi-coherent ramblings about the show.

See? Everything I do, I do for shoe. Er, um, you.

Aaaaaanyhooters. We'll talk more later. For now, it's time for a nappy-poo.

Spam the Spammer!

2011-02-08T13:41:00.007-05:00

It appears that our friendly neighborhood dentist spammer returned last night, and this time they were thoughtful enough to leave a phone number in their comment! Aren't we lucky?

Ardent Smile in Doylestown, PA offers complete dental health care including veneers, crowns, dentures, whitening, and more. Call today for a free consultation: (215) 230-4550 Doylestown Dentist

My clever friend Mala had a terrific idea. To repay them for visiting our blogs and leaving us terribly helpful comments such as these, why not give them a jingle and schedule some of that pricey dental work we've been putting off? It's the least we can do for fans of our blogs, right?

Mala immediately called them up and blocked off a whole day of appointments for herself and her ~~two~~ eight kids. Of course, Doylestown, PA is a bit of a long drive for us so it's doubtful that she'll actually make it to the appointment... but it still just seemed like the right thing to do considering how much we love spam. It's just our way of giving back, ya know?

Next up she's going to go for that grill she's always wanted!

Personally, I'm planning on getting a mouthful of Gary Busey veneers, just 'cuz.

How about you, my friends? What's on your dental wish list? Crowns? Wisdom teeth? Go on, make an appointment! They wouldn't have left us their number if they didn't want us to use it!

The Big Game Recap, AKA: My Cheeto Hangover

2011-02-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

Whussup, my humps? How are you all doing on this lovely Monday morning?

I'm pretty good. I have horrible heartburn from eating so much delicious food yesterday, but that's nobody's fault but my own. I don't know what it is about the Stupid Bowl that makes me think it's okay to eat pizza, wings, AND Cheetos all in the same day, especially because I don't even like football.

Yeah, I said it. I don't like football. At all. I don't even feel badly about not liking it, so there!

I was present in the room while the game was on, but only so that I could watch Xtina mangle the National Anthem, see the much-hyped ads (which, correct me if I'm wrong, sucked this year?) and watch the halftime show (ditto). During the game itself I was plugged into my laptop watching crap on Netflix that no one else in my house ever wants to see; a documentary about life after death? Yes please!

That being said, let's get it over with and talk about poor Chrissy fucking up the words to our most cherished and hard-to-sing song. First of all, the girl has pipes and no one can take that away from her. I'm not generally nuts about all the embellishments she adds BUT it's a hard song to sing and everybody makes mistakes, so I don't think she's a terrorist. People need to settle down and back the truck up, am I right? I'm sure she feels awful and has already issued an apology, so this whole thing does nothing to either improve or harm my already ambivalent attitude towards her.

The Bev has spoken! Case closed. ;)

That being said, I think they should have asked this little girl to sing the song and then cut the audio out so that we could have a repeat of this wonderful moment of human kindness:

Speaking of audio cutting out, did everyone catch the halftime show?

Ohhhhh, snap, someone's gettin' fired over that one! I actually like the Black Eyed Peas--not enough to buy a whole album, but I have downloaded some of their big hits. I swear to dog that I would never have lost my baby weight without, "My Humps" and "Let's Get It Started" blasting in my ears at the gym! I also think they put on quite an impressive show with all those neon-lit dancers surrounding the stage. However, I didn't realize that two of the Peas do little more than jump around in flashing LED suits while Will.i.am and Fergie hoot and holler. I felt bad for the guy with the mohawk; dude only had one line to sing and his mic wasn't even on for half of it.

Basically, aside from all the star appearances and the masses of back-up dancers in funky space outfits, the whole thing sounded like bad karaoke. And trust me, I know what that sounds like!

Since I'm a child of the 80's I enjoyed seeing Slash pop up out of nowhere and then disappear back into the bowels of the stage with no explanation whatsoever, though friends of mine who are not tone deaf (as I am) tell me that Fergie was off-key for most of Sweet Child O' Mine. I really wouldn't know.

Finally, any appearance by Usher is a-ok by me... it's a well-documented fact that I dig me some Usher. One of my Facebook friends posted the most hilarious comment from his 8 year-old; he said, "Wow, Usher is a great dancer! He's like Michael Jackson only black."

D'oh! From the mouths of babes....

As for the ads... meh. I didn't see any that blew me away with the exception of one that my sister showed me before the game had even started. She said it reminded her of my kid, and she is SO right!

Sooooo, there you have it: a football non-fan's take on the biggest game of the year. Don't just take my word for it--tell me what you thought!

Facebook is Magic

2011-02-01T23:05:00.014-05:00

Happy Wednesday! I'm snowed in with my two kids today, which means I haven't been able to get a thing done and am already ready to start drinking heavily! It has been a long day, but it's all good. I'd still rather be here with my crazies than with the crazies at the office.

Last night I was cruising Facebook when I read something that irked me. There's this chick who always comments on a mutual friend's page, and I find her beyond annoying--offensive, stupid, crass, just... ick. So I did something I've never done before; I blocked someone I don't even know.

Blocking: what a wonderful tool. Being able to eliminate something bothersome with just a few flicks of my mouse is like owning a magic wand.

Why bother? Because recently I realized something about my online activity. I realized that I visited certain sites out of duty, not because I enjoyed reading them. In fact, some of these sites downright pissed me off! So I deleted those urls from my Favorites list and "unliked" their fan pages on Facebook. I unplugged from them entirely... and didn't miss them a bit. In fact, when I found myself only visiting the sites that I enjoy my entire mood improved substantially.

It's like this: a friend of mine once told me about something nasty an acquaintance had said about me, then she said sympathetically, "I thought you'd want to know." Truth is, I didn't want to know, and I told her so. I'm really happier not knowing if someone doesn't like me. Ignorance really is bliss.

This is essentially the same thing--I can't make people stop saying stupid crap online... but I don't have to read it. :)

Question: Have you ever blocked someone you don't know? Do you make heavy use of the "Hide" feature or just unfriend the annoying twats (we all have them) on your Friends list?

Totally Do-Able Older Actors

2011-01-28T11:07:00.001-05:00

I'll admit it, there are some men in Hollywood who are aging so well that I'd get my DILF on. Heck, in some cases, I'd get my GILF on, even! Since it's Friday and I'm in an outstanding mood (no, that's not sarcasm. Really!) I thought it might be fun to check out the ripest fruit on the vine. I truly believe that age is just a number, and some of the coolest people I know are over 50! Most (but not all) of these actors are old enough to be my father, but we're not related... so that makes them fair game.

Daddy issues? Moi? I don't know what you're talking about. Shut up.

Here goes--actors I'd totally shag even though some of them are--how do I say this delicately? A bit long in the tooth.

Jeff Bridges, age 61

The dude abides

Harrison Ford, age 68

I can even forgive him for both the earring and Calista Flockhart. The man was Han Solo AND Indiana Jones!

Clint Eastwood, age 80 (!)

Okay, so I probably wouldn't do him because of the old-man smell, but the man's a legend... and I have a thing for cowboys.

George Clooney, age 50

George is still young and still smokin' hot after all these years! Plus funny, smart, and a humanitarian. *swoon*

Denzel Washington, age 56

This man does not age!

Jerry Stiller, age 83

HAHA--GOT YA!

Since I always aim to be fair, I'll throw in a few hot older dames too.

Susan Sarandon, age 64

Mother-lover.

Meryl Streep, age 61

Love her.

Michelle Pfeiffer, age 52

She's still got it.

Sigourney Weaver, age 61

This is how a natural beauty ages.

Helen Mirren, age 65

She looks better in a bikini than I do. Bitch.

So there's my list. Who's on yours?

Children Are Disgusting (TMI)

2011-01-26T10:28:00.001-05:00

Yeah, yeah. They're cute and all, but let's be totally honest: kids are disgusting. I just need to vent about some of the more repulsive things my children have done recently. Feel free to chime in with your own horror stories!

Yesterday as I was wiping the bum of my squirming three-year-old who had just unapologetically crapped his pants, I witnessed my oldest son do something so vile that it made the poop-filled diaper in front of me seem like small potatoes. I glanced up just as D removed a huge chunk of snot from his nose... in one swift movement the quivering wad of gunk went into his mouth.

**puking**

Oysters, anyone?

Of course I read him the riot act about using tissues, washing his hands, how eating boogers transmits germs and causes illness, and so forth... but honestly, I don't think there's anything in the world that will stop a kid from picking his nose. When I complained about it to Jim he said he remembers picking his nose and eating it when he was a kid too. As he put it, "So you've picked your nose... the question then is, 'What do I do with it?'"

Fucking nasty! Don't get me wrong, I was a nose-picking little shit when I was a kid too. I have a vivid memory of sitting in my second grade classroom digging for gold when the teacher stopped her lesson, sighed heavily, and said, "Beverly, please get a tissue."

Certainly not my proudest moment.

IT WAS A SCRATCH!

So yeah, I get it, but let the record show that I never ATE my boogers. No way! I just wiped and flicked them anywhere I felt like it.

Recently my little guy decided to stop being potty-trained, which means I've been cleaning up a lot of truly nauseating messes lately. You wouldn't even believe the smell of some of the laundry I've been doing this morning!

Adding to that fun is the fact that we're also working on housebreaking our five-month-old puppy, so twice now M has decided to take a big whiz on the hallway carpet alongside the peeing puppy. Yes, you read that right. Someday soon, when both the dog and the boy are finally trustworthy, we're gonna have to bite the bullet and replace the carpeting upstairs. It's that bad.

Last story: on New Year's Eve the herd of children (there were ten of them here) decided to write on the wall upstairs in INK and then "paint" a section of wall in the boys' room with meatballs. So that was fun to clean up. I also found a petrified fuzzy green chunk of something between the seat cushions of the sofa that looked like a science experiment gone very, very wrong. I suspect it was once a piece of String Cheese. I won't even go into the things I've found rotting in my car.

Slobs!

Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now tell me I'm not alone, please! Misery loves company. ;)

The Skinny on My Spray-Tan

2011-01-24T11:27:00.001-05:00

My commute this morning

Greetings from the frozen tundra!

It is officially Stoopid-Cold(TM) here in the Granite State. The weather forecasters are saying that today is the coldest day we've had in over two years and I believe them! This is the kind of cold that takes your breath away; in fact this morning I was out in it for no longer than thirty seconds before I felt like my hands were going to fall off. Any exposed flesh is just begging for frost-bite.

"Feels like -19." Uh, yup, it sure does. The bank sign I pass on my way to work read, "-17." It's my choice to live here so I try to take our sometimes shitty weather in stride. But this? Well, this just plain sucks.

Last week my friend Laurie was having a case of the winter SADs so I suggested a chick-date with some faux sun time. Since my natural winter skin tone looks a little something like this ----->

I decided to go for a Mystic Tan.

Fuck yeah, I got a spray tan, bitches! And since you know I have to report back to my bloggy buddies every time I subject myself to a bizarre spa/torture treatment, here's the 411.

Self-tanners and I go way back. It's not that I don't like my ~~albino~~ creamy skin -- I do. But sometimes I don't feel like looking like Wednesday Addams when everyone around me has a nice, healthy summer glow. I have tried every single product on the market, and there are some really good ones out there, but the problem I always have with them is THE SMELL.

I hate that Tan-in-a-Can odor! They ALL have it, you can't mask it with other scents, and it lingers for days. Plus, with the DIY lotions and sprays it's hard to get your back and avoid streaks and smears.

Of course I kept thinking about the Friends episode where Ross gets a spray tan. (YouTube won't let me embed it, but watch it if you get a chance--it's hilarious). At the worst, I expected to look something like this:

Or this:

When I arrived they had me watch a short instructional video, then the girl took me to the tanning chamber and told me what to do. It's a little bit like gearing up for surgery--you put your hair up and in a shower cap and you use a barrier lotion on your hands and feet and wear little booties. She told me how to stand and hold my hands. Then she left me alone, so I took a deep breath, stripped down to my undies and took the plunge.

It was a little bit like being inside an electric car wash: the sprayer is cold, shocking, and it starts at your feet and sprays the front of your body from bottom to top in two or three passes, all in less than a minute. Then you turn around and it does your back. The whole thing took under three minutes, and as I stepped out I was already almost dry. Once you towel off (it rubs the lotion on its skin), you're done.

It was easy, and I've gotta say, it looked pretty good! It wasn't orange at all. I took before and after shots just for you--the lighting in there wasn't very good, but you get the idea.

Before, in all my pasty glory

Immediately after, slightly Snooki-fied.

I did have the self-tanner stink lines coming off of me that evening, but it wasn't overpowering. I went out to dinner and didn't even notice it, and the color deepened overnight. The next day I noticed some weirdness on my feet from the booties and a few small streaks on the insides of my arms, but nothing noticeable. Now that I've showered the color isn't as dark but it's still there, and the streaks are gone. They say it lasts 7 days, but I doubt it. We'll see! All in all, I liked it. I think I'll do it again before I take vacations, etc. It really did make me feel better!

Much later that evening I drove Laurie back to her car, and that's when we saw this:

Yes, it's a flaming taxi! So random. When we arrived the back door was open and smoke was pouring out of the car, and within minutes the whole car was engulfed in flames.

It was an odd ending to the night.

That's what's new with me... just getting hosed down with (hopefully-harmless) chemicals and stuff like that. How about you?

Friday Funnies!

2011-01-21T12:35:00.001-05:00

TGIF! I'm off again today, bringing the total number of days that I've worked since the start of the year to a whopping eight. Yes, eight! First I had that GDMF Plague, then we've had two snow days this week... and before you know it, I'm a bonafide shut-in! And yes, it's everything I hoped it could be and more.

I hope you all have an easy work day and a restful, fulfilling weekend. In the meantime, here are a few funny pics I've collected recently. Most of these come from one of my favorite interweb haunts, 9GAG. Enjoy!

Once you see it, it can never be unseen!

Now this, I'd see.

When the photog said, "Give me "maniacal," she nailed it!

Finally, if Carrot Top and Sideshow Bob had a love child:

WTF, Rihanna?

So there's that.

Anyhooters, I think it's nap time. I could reeeeeally get used to being home this often....

Have a great weekend, everyone!
XOXO

Shameless Wednesday

2011-01-19T16:14:00.001-05:00

I finally had a chance to watch Showtime's new series, Shameless, and I liked it quite a bit. It's an ensemble drama starring William H. Macy as a drunken lout with six kids, the oldest of which (Emmy Rossum) is raising the others. I didn't expect much from this show because the reviews were hardly what you'd call glowing, but I was pleasantly surprised. It's equal parts funny, sad, quirky, grungy, and downright juicy!

Plus, this guy is in it:

How big is it, Justin?

Justin Chatwin plays oldest daughter Fiona's love interest, and he is... let's just say, cute. Okay, if I'm being honest... he's freaking adorable in a too-cool-for-school, skinny-jean-wearing-hipster kind of way. Mama like.

Speaking of shameless, did you guys hear that Octomom is doing fetish porn now?

In case you couldn't tell, this pic is courtesy of TMZ.

Yup, that's her whipping a grown man ~~who looks like Mario~~ who's wearing a baby bonnet. Wow. It's not surprising that she'd go into porn -- I think we all expected that as an inevitable truth -- but this is even more out-there than I could have hoped! Sometimes life is just too perfect, don't you think? So... poetic.

And finally, this isn't shameless, it's just a shame:

Hefty bag space cowboy?

WTF, Adam Lambert? I usually (not so secretly) love his whole guyliner/leather-studded kiss in the sand look, but this? Sheer fuckery. I'm not amused, Adam.

Okay, maybe I am, a little.

Happy Hump Day!

Those are some Golden Globes!

2011-01-17T10:25:00.002-05:00

After being stuck indoors watching Nickelodeon for two straight days I was ready for some adult-ish entertainment last night, but I'm still amazed that I made it through the entire Golden Globes broadcast without switching the channel. That's definitely a first for me, although you all know I'm a big ol' entertainment junky. I've gotta say, I enjoyed the show! I think part of me was just getting primed up for stalking celebrities in their natural habitat next month when I'll be in L.A. at the same time that the Academy Awards are being held.*

Last year's best Golden Globes

I'll offer up my thoughts on the show. I know the web will be innundated with other people's thoughts on the shows/fashions, but who gives a flying fig? They're not La Bev, now are they?

Out of Bev's Head: come for the boobs, stay for the irreverent commentary and Asian spammers!

Ricky Gervais as the host.

I was/am a huge fan of his original British Office, but frankly Ricky can be rather hard to take sometimes. I absolutely hated The Invention of Lying, and I find his in-your-face atheism annoying. Know this: I don't care what anyone's religious (or non-religious) views are -- I simply don't care. The way he is always telling the world that they're dumb for believing in God makes him just as bad as the people who tell us we're going to hell if we don't believe. Get over it, dude.

That being said, I did recently watch his HBO stand-up special and it was pretty funny, so I was looking forward to seeing him host the Globes. At the very least, I love it when celebs insult other celebs! Ricky didn't disappoint. Five minutes into his opening monologue he had already picked on Charlie Sheen and his high-priced hooker/binge weekends, lambasted Angelina Jolie's stinker of a movie, The Tourist, and called Hugh Hefner a "member of the walking dead" and advised his 20-something bride-to-be not to "look at it when you touch it."

ZING!

Career Suicide?

After the way he insulted people it will be interesting to see how his career pans out. Hollywood isn't known for being particularly self-deprecating.

Anyway, on to my favorite part of any awards show -- critiquing the pretty people in their expensive clothes! So what if I'm wearing a shirt with a stain on it and will have to unbutton my pants after lunch? I'm perfectly qualified to judge the stars. ;)

Pics courtesy of Getty Images.

Angelina Jolie

I hate to admit that she looks good. The dress style is a little matronly for my tastes, but I love that color.

Anne Hathaway

"That Hansel is so hot right now. Hansel."

Halle Berry

This just looks like a foundation garment (AKA: a corset) to me. Yes, Halle, we get it -- you're still hot. Settle down.

James Franco

Love the suit, love the smirk, love him.

January Jones

Tits McGee. Also, boobs.

Jenny from the Blech

On the red carpet this looked great, but when she presented an award was way too sparkly and wedding dress-y under the lights. Since I am not a big La-Lopez fan, I have to say that from the neck down, it's gorgeous.

Jeremy Renner

I hate his shiny, dainty shoes!

???

I don't know this guy's name, nor do I feel like looking it up. He will always be "Landing Strip Head" to me.

Leighton Meester

From the Little House on the Prairie collection.

Megan Fox

I'm going to go ahead and add her to the, "Not Aging Well" category, mainly because she is skeletal. Megan, it's called a cheeseburger -- look into it.

Michelle Williams

Boring babe in boring beige. The color of this dress reminds me of support hose.

Rupert Murdoch and his wife

I'm sure they have a lot in common. (I ain't sayin' she a gold-digger)

Sandra Bullock


Welcome to Frumpville, population YOU. The slouchy dress/pose and the bangs? No.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones

Yay for a recovered Jack T. Colton! CZJ looks amazing in that color, too.

Natalie Portman

Everyone is picking on Natalie's dress. I don't love pink & red together or the big glittery rose, but I still think she looks lovely.

Seal and Heidi Klum

She looks like she should be meeting Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche on the lenai. Seal's shoes remind me of those yucky, furry little black & tan beetles you see around garbage cans in the summer.

Julie Bowen

This dress is the color of dishwater. It looks like a dog chewed it up and dragged it through a mud puddle.

Helena Bonham Carter

THIS bish. I love that she just doesn't give a fuck. Seriously -- the mismatched shoes might as well be a raised middle finger.

So there are my thoughts. Got any of your own you'd like to share with the group?

*No, I won't be attending the show... but I'll be there gettin' my stalker paparazzi on. ;)

Snow Day!

2011-01-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

Howdy, peeps! As promised, I did absolutely nothing yesterday and it was everything I'd hoped it could be and more. I sat on my butt while the boys watched a movie and a Nor'easter dumped a foot and a half of snow on us; I read If I Stay, the Young Adult book that Entertainment Weekly has been touting as the YA version of The Lovely Bones. I liked it even though I wept like a baby throughout -- I seriously went through a half a box of tissues while reading it. It was very simply told but very moving, and I zipped through the 230 pages in about three hours.

Technically it's still only a glass.

We did make it outside for a little "swim" through the snow, though my three-year-old was NOT a fan. It's just no fun to frolic in the snow when it comes up to your chest, I guess! The dog and the big kid and I had a good time, however, and I felt that I earned my big glass of vino afterward.

Yes, I know the pics are blue. I brought my camera outside only to have it tell me that its battery was too exhausted to go on, which has been happening more and more. I used my cell phone to take these shots and apparently if there is some sort of white balance feature on the cell camera I don't know where it is or how to use it. Le sigh. Definitely time for a new camera!

Danny decided to clean off Daddy's car.

We almost lost the puppy!

Snow angel

Yes, that's me... getting up was ridiculously hard. Getting old sucks.

Ignore the fact that the snow around me looks like some sort of crater, please. Hope you all survived the storm (or the Wednesday, if you live somewhere warm)! I'm back at work today. Boo. Thank goodness tomorrow is already Friday.

*muah*

Random is my MIDDLE name

2011-01-11T11:12:00.004-05:00

Happy Tuesday! How are you all today? I'm groovy. I'm just pluggin' along at work. I've decided to do a good old-fashioned random blathering kind of post. Why? Why not, that's why.

It's 1-11-11 today. Not that it means anything (to me, anyway), but it's still kinda cool. Do we get to make a wish or something?

Is it me, or is EVERYONE in Hollywood pregnant right now? Every day there's another report of a knocked-up starlet.

Natalie Portman (who apparently got biz with her mute ballerino costar from Black Swan).

Victoria Beckham, who is evidently trying to populate the world with handsome, mouse-voiced hottie soccer stars. Now that's a project I can get on board with!

Owen Wilson put a smoosh-nosed baby inside his girlfriend.

Jane Krakowski is pregnant but her 30 Rock character is not, which is a good thing because the idea of a pregnant Jenna scares me a bit.

Marion Cotillard and her French boyfriend have produced a beret-wearing, chain-smoking, wine-guzzling French fetus. Oui!

One of the Kardashian assholes might be knocked up, but as part of my New Year's resolution I refuse to put up her picture or mention her by name. I am shunning all things Kardashian and Jersey Shore; every time I find myself watching them I get irritated that they are rich and famous for doing absolutely NOTHING, so I've decided that watching them bad for my mental health.

In other news, I'm oddly pleased that Gwyneth Paltrow is flopping terribly in Country Strong. I have not heard her sing, nor will I listen to any clips of her singing. I don't want to know if she's a talented singer. DO NOT WANT.

Michael Douglas beat his throat cancer!

YAHOO! I don't care who it is, any time I hear that someone kicked cancer's sorry ass it's a WIN. I fucking hate cancer, and Mike D. is okay by me. He'll always be Jack "Trustworthy" Colton to me.

Turns out, 'Mericans don't want to watch Sarah Palin kill things. Thank GOD.

Canceled!

My faith in the U.S. viewing public has been somewhat restored.

Cake releases their new album, Showroom of Compassion today. Yay!

Nice auras.

We're expecting a big snow storm tonight, so hopefully tomorrow will find me sitting at home in pajamas with my kiddos while my husband hits the slopes. I love it when a snow day coincides with my already-scheduled day off! I find I don't dread storms at all when I don't have to drive anywhere and I've already received clearance to sit on my ass and do nothing. Sweet, beautiful nothing. Ahhhhh.

After work I'm swinging by B&N to pick up this book, which I've heard is a great read even though it's technically Young Adult. Hey, I'm down with YA! No shame. Good writing is good writing.

So that's enough random poo for one day. Got anything on your minds? Lay it on me!

I heart the Girls of eBay!

2011-01-10T13:19:00.002-05:00

HOLLA, BEYOTCHES!

My tens of readers have been so patient and understanding of my blogging slackerdom that I felt I owed you a fun and special post. Trouble is, there just wasn't anything interesting going on! Then I stumbled across this blog, and I knew I had to share it. After all, the Girls of eBay are right up my alley--their blog is full of DIY models who hock their wares on eBay using only their God-given (or not) assets, a camera, and their cunning.

Brava, girls of eBay! BRAVA.

My sister wore this outfit in 1978, but she rocked it.

Excuse me, are you Heidi Klum? No? Oh, sorry. My mistake. You must get that all the time.

Yeah... that's flattering. The purple shoes pull the whole look together.

How much you bench?

Facial polka dots: the ultimate accessory.

A FeMullet AND fishing penguins? My cup runneth over!

Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

Hurry up and take the picture, I gotta pee!

Nice vest, brah. Does it come in Men's?

Cheer up, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with "bransexual."

Ten kinds of WTF in one "flattering" outfit.

Didn't Luke Skywalker slay this thing on the Hoth Planet?

Just like Spanx -- the flab has to go SOMEWHERE, people!

Men want her, women want to BE her.

Don't act like you're too cool for this sweater. We know better.

Why so glum, Morticia?

Scoliosis is SO last season.

Mrs. Robinson, if you're trying to seduce me... put on a bra.

What. The. FUCK?

Tons more fashion monstrosities and the lovely ladies who don them here.

Have a happy day!

The end of days?

2011-01-05T15:45:00.001-05:00

Okay, so maybe I'm being overly dramatic--it has been known to happen from time to time. But still.

What's the dealio with all these birds dropping out of the sky, dead as doornails? Hundreds of birds all at once, in different parts of the world, just THUNK - dropping mid-flight. Now there are reports of tons of fish washing ashore in the Chesapeake Bay and in Brazil, many of them without eyes. Without their eyes, people!

Poor Alabama fishies

This is some straight-up Stephen King shit, right? Sure, the scientists have come up with a few theories about the birds being startled to death by fireworks on New Year's Eve, but the fact of the matter is that they're all grasping at straws here. Nobody knows what the heck is going on with this wacky planet of ours, much less how to stop or control it.

These are the things I'm thinking about as I lie here recovering from the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING PLAGUE. Okay, there I go getting all dramatic again, but still--I'm recuperating from the worst flu I can remember having EVER. Sunday night I woke up shivering and achy, and by morning I was so ill I couldn't even call in sick for myself. I have spent the past three days lying flat on my back (and not in a good way), hacking up a lung and wondering how I'm going to get anything done this week. And honestly, I have SO much to get done this week.

I also realized how utterly dependent my family is upon me being a functional adult since everything in the house pretty much went to shit immediately. The laundry exploded, the dishes went unwashed, the puppy found new and creative ways to sneak off to foul my carpets. Considering the fact that opening a bottle of Tylenol proved to be too challenging for me this week, getting the kids up and off to school was no mean feat. Last night as I lay on the couch and wondered if this is what dying feels like I found the energy to scratch out a list and send the Jim to the store. I honestly wonder if the man would ever think to feed himself or the children if I didn't remind him.

At some point during one of my lucid moments I caught 15 minutes of Kendra, which made me want to kill myself. In this episode this half-wit, no-talent dingbat is kvetching about having to pack and move from Philly to L.A. because her rich husband got cut from the Eagles. As she's complaining about how hard it is for her they show an army of movers who come into her apartment and do everything for her while she sits and eats a sandwich. Why does this chick have a television show?

I'll tell you why: it's the end of days, dudes.

Anyho, that's what La Bev has been up to lately, since I've clearly not been blogging. Hope you're all doing well, and oh yeah - Happy New Year! Hopefully things will get back to normal around here soon enough, my darling BOOBHs. Whatever that is. :)

My kind of thrill ride

2010-12-27T15:17:00.002-05:00

Hey, peeps! Whussup?

Thanks to the blizzard conditions outside I'm on day 6 of not working, so I'm being supremely, deliciously lazy. I just wanted to pop my head in and say I hope all of my BOOBHs had a lovely holiday. :)

Check out this crazy-awesome paraskiing video I found on one of my favorite blogs. This vid was made on Mt. Superior in Utah on December 16, 2010. Being the armchair mountain climber that I am, this is right up my alley --all the rush without all that pesky exercise!

Superior, Speed Fly from Marshall Miller on Vimeo.

Wow, right? The biggest risk I've taken recently was cleaning out my fridge.

Have a groovy day!

Thankful for "high-class problems."

2010-12-20T11:44:00.001-05:00

Wow, what a crazy month this has been! I'd like to thank the Snow Gods for keeping the storms away from New England so far--I don't ever remember a dryer December--but it's definitely not beginning to look a lot like Christmas up in here! We wouldn't say no to a nice big snow storm at the end of this week, mkay? Thaaaanks.

Today is the annual holiday potluck lunch and Yankee Swap at my crap job. You know, the day when I have to grin and pretend to like my coworkers, pretend to like their crappy cooking, pretend to like the ceramic snowman spoon rest or whatever-the-fuck I'll pull in the swap, pretend to be interested in their annoying, self-gratifying stories, and most importantly, pretend that my job doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the face every fucking day.

That's a lot of pretending, and I'm exhausted already.

I'd much rather be home cuddling with the new puppy we got this weekend!

Wouldn't you? Look how cute!

I'm comforting myself with the knowledge that it's a 2-day work week for me, so by Wednesday morning I'll be able to finally clean my house and START my holiday ~~drinking~~ wrapping! Wednesday cannot come soon enough.

Until then, I'm doing my best to shut off the nagging voices in my head (What - you don't hear them?) and be thankful for my "high-class problems." No more feeling sorry for myself, no more worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. No more. Time to grow up and be more appreciative, goddamn it.

I've got a job, a home, and a family that loves me. There will be presents under the tree on Saturday morning and we always have food on our table and a safe place to rest our heads each night. I have friends to call when I'm sad and a hilarious and smart sister who has known me longer than I've known myself, and still likes me! I have a brain in my head and a (relatively) clean bill of health. It truly is a wonderful life, and I'm so grateful for it.

I'm really hoping that 2011 is a fabulous year for us all.

And now, so you won't all think I've gone entirely soft and mushy, here's a message from our friends at IKEA about cleaning up your toys. As someone who once experienced a moment of abject humiliation when my two-year-old wandered into the kitchen holding a familiar vibrating object, I can relate.

I'm not sure what the week will bring - maybe I'll blog, maybe I won't, so just in case, I'll say this:

Happy Holidays to all of my beautiful, bouncing BOOBHs! You're spectacular and La Bev loves you.

When Wordless Wednesday meets From the Vault

2010-12-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

Hump Day -- the perfect day to go through the photos from the past weeks and months and share them with my BOOBHs. I didn't realize how long it had been since I've done one of these posts!

They may look cute, but they've been in the toilet.

Thanksgiving pre-game prep

This is how my blond, blue-eyed son sees himself. NTTAWWT.*

Mala made me this ornament in 1998. <3


The bad news: I had a PET scan last week as part of my annual ~~witch~~ Cancer Hunt. The good news: it was negative!

R2 is happy to see you!

These next few are from our local ski hill's Oktoberfest event:

Raise your hand if you have to pee!

Why hello, cowboy.

Bang!

Owls, dude. they're everywhere.

This cookie is bigger than my head.

Check out this guy's giant horn.

Face painting BEFORE

Face painting AFTER!

Drunk with power (?)after winning the dance competition (no, really), Jim entered the stein-holding contest. The competition was stiff!

Scary ski mountain mascots

He really commits.

And now the Pièce de résistance!

The other day Jim was puttering around the house when he decided to swap out a picture in a frame he had in his man cave. Under the poster, he found this:

Clicky clicky.

I was twenty, in my Sophomore year at UVM, and pretty much all of the important things in my life (at that time) are represented here in pictures:

My two best high school friends who shared my fondness for bad horror flicks, empty calories, and later, horrifying our parents with pink champagne-fueled belly piercing incidents. That pic of C (lower left) was taken the night when I lost my panties. Oops.

My college friend with benefits, K. Oh, what benefits.... The mud fight at Davis Hall. My friend's dopey boyfriend (the blond dude) who was present in just about all of our pictures from that year... and none after that. My parents when they both had hair. My sister and me in our fabulous sleep wear. I think it's funny that in my sister's college graduation photo my mom and I are standing the exact same way.

It was so neat to see these pics all in one place like this. Talk about a time capsule - I don't think I could have made a more all-encompassing "My life in one year" collage if I had tried.

There you have it! WW meets FTV. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

XO
Bev

* Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'll now resume my regularly-scheduled gabbing

2010-12-13T10:56:00.003-05:00

Hola, beautiful BOOBHs! How are ya? I'm good. Cary & I busted our asses last week and got the final draft of our book done by close of business... only to have the publisher say, "Thanks! I'll look at it on Monday."

It's cool, though. It was one of those moments in life when you don't realize how much pressure you've been under until it's gone. I actually got more than 5 hours of sleep on Friday night and didn't wake up three times during the night remembering something crucial (or not) that I need to do.

On top of the book stress there was also stress at my crap job on Friday. I won't get into it, but it boils down to people in my office being entitled little twats who seem to get off on nagging me about asinine stuff like coffee until I cry. Yes, I cried. I'm not proud, but so be it. Thankfully only one person saw. It was just a rough, stressful day and I was stretched tighter than a rubber band.

On Friday night after I put the kids to bed I literally stared at the TV with the volume off for two hours before going to sleep. I just stared into space like a mental patient, but without the fun meds.

Kinda like this:

Anyhooters, the weekend cured what ailed me for the most part. Still kind of stressed, but I'm working on not wallowing in self-doubt. Instead, I'm focusing on making this Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for myself and my family. I'm also keeping my eye on the prize: the trip Mala and I have planned for February vacation!

That's right, we're taking our show on the road again. We are returning to the city of angels for a 5 day fun binge, and I can't wait! We haven't been to L.A. since 2006, so it's time to revisit some of our favorite spots and do some light celebrity stalking. As luck would have it - and we honestly didn't even plan this - we're going to be in town for the OSCARS. Uh huh - BAM! That's what I'm talkin' about! I'd say our chances of ~~stalking~~ spotting celebrities are pretty damn good. Making dinner reservations for Chateau Marmont in 3...2...1....

As always, if any of my lovely CA-BOOBHs wants to do a meet & greet, let me know! I'm already planning to kidnap ~~and corrupt~~ my dear friend Maeghan, so the more the merrier. :)

Planning a vacation from work does help me get through the day.

Clicky to make biggy

So that's what's new with me. What about you guys? :) How you holding up this holiday season? Talk to me!!

All work and no play...

2010-12-08T20:46:00.003-05:00

makes Bev about ready to cut a bitch.

Heeeeeere's Bevy!

I'm taking exactly 4 minutes to create this crappy Photoshop art as my way of telling you that I'm sorry I've been MIA 'round these parts, and I'll be back to gabbing your ears off, commenting on your blogs, and answering your emails soon.

This book I'm co-writing is kicking my ass all over the place this week. The first draft is due on Friday and we have miles and miles and miles to go before we sleep. Uphill miles. Mt. Everest uphill miles.

So please forgive me for being an absentee internet friend. It's not you, it's me.

Until I return, please enjoy these gifs. I know they amused me:

Finally, me and Cary, my writing partner:

Hugs, kisses, and subtle gropes,
La Bev